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going to get through this clean? it is more than a little ironic that this topic comes up at this time in my life. i have so many things going on and most of them are more than a bit worrisome. my litany of ills starts with my leg not returning to health fast enough, runs through through death of my Mom and having to deal with her estate and finishing up with losing a month of work over the course of the rest of this year. oh yeah and there is the melanoma spot on the back of my head that needs to be aggressively diagnosed and is currently a black box of worrisome concern, when i allow it to be, which is at least once a day. the beauty of living a program of recovery is, i have yet to thin that reaching for a little drop of poison to take a vacation from my life, without having to travel anywhere, has yet to pop off the stack. the facts of my life seem to be pointing in a direction of getting everything i need to deal with all that is going on. i have more than a bit of FAITH in that direction and am moving forward with that on the top of my to-do list. call it grace or what you will, i call it relying on my experience to date.
as i sat this morning, those concerns bubbled up to the surface and i could quickly dismiss them and return to the void, although the void included an idea of what code to write for my refactoring of my work project. that of course, got tossed to the side as well, with a note to self to look into it, when i started pounding out the hits at work. i know that there are changes going on in my life and even if i did not find them to my liking, life on its own terms happens, i am after all sixty-seven years old and up until last fall, had nearly perfect health. dang it all, it takes me longer to heal than i am used to and one of the pitfalls of aging is disease and infirmity. the alternative, becoming a couch potato and spending my days in front of a TV with the volume blasting so i do not have to think, is not one i choose to exercise. i have seen the consequences of that lifestyle and they are not to my liking.
anyhow, it is time to post this to the rest of the world and get on with my day, writing that masterpiece that popped off the stack this morning. i know that i have to take responsibility for my life and part of that is to allow myself the space to feel, even if it is bouts of self-pity, remorse and escapism. i know that if i allow myself to go down into that house of pain, i do not have to dwell there. in fact, i do not even have to visit it for every long, acknowledge that i feel that sh!t, and return to a life based in the FAITH of my recovery program, just for today.

∞ DT ∞