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to stand in my way, is a very familiar course of action for me, in active addiction, in early recovery and certainly it is still part of how i live today. there may be a difference on how i apply that action, but no matter how well i try and disguise it with spiritual camouflage, it is still the same. although that last statement sounds quite dire and lacking and light, there is actually quite a bit of HOPE in it, once one reads between the lines. the reading was all about amending the harm i did in active addiction to the faceless, anonymous masses and i wholly ascribe to that notion, bringing in the attitude of not letting anything get in my way. as i get rolling, maybe a bit of a trip down memory lane, to put a bit of context into this notion.
finding the ways and means to get whatever it was i needed, esteem, drugs, sex, companionship or status, led me to do some rather deplorable acts. it is true, i never physically killed or maimed anyone, but more often than not, my interactions with them cost them far more than they were willing to pay. i knew how to get what i wanted and used all the tools at my disposal to do so. NOTHING was going to get in my way, when i was on a mission and nothing very rarely did. without a doubt, i was oblivious to the harm i caused in my passing and to this day, still making the world a little bit better place, one action at a time. Mother Theresa, i am not and more than likely never will be. i am still human and ruled by DESIRE, the switch is, some of the time i can channel that desire into something that benefits my community, instead of making that community pay the price for my presence. i do not walk around expecting kudos or having my peers “blow smoke up my a$$” because that gets in the way of doing what i NEED to do. in fact i am almost embarrassed when i get “caught” doing the next right thing and am learning how to accept that praise without deflecting or minimizing it.
it is interesting that in the book i have just finished, one of the author's contentions is that people behave well because they believe GOD is watching and when that belief goes by the wayside, so does all their good behavior, or at least the part they can do on the down-low. i certainly can see how valid that point just may be and i hear that concept all over the place, ion the rooms, at work and certainly all over popular media. i understand the whole notion of getting away with something and for me, at least these days, getting away with a amending my wrongs to the world in general, is certainly something i like doing. i get a thrill when someone uncovers my anonymous offering and it enhances their life, especially when they are clueless of its origins. kind of puts a different twist on the way i walk through the world, and it is certainly a more “positive” spin on “getting away with something.” since i have been decoupled from the GOD is always watching notion, my pay-off has to come from somewhere., as my DESIRE for reward has yet to be removed from my being.
i can apply that same single-mindedness to my recovery program. when i give others the power to interfere with my recovery journey, because of what they share, or how they behave, i lose and i certainly do not like losing. i have been giving that power away, time and again lately and my pay-off is i GET to be resentful and distant. yeah, so and so, just may be using all the bumper stickers to cover up the fact that they have not grown one iota, but maybe they really are sincere, finally. allowing their words and deeds to intrude upon my program is what is causing me pain, because here is an obstacle i am letting get in the way of my recovery. it is true that i have the freedom to seek other meetings and i can run as far as i want to, but the fact of the matter is, i am pissed off that i so willing ceded my power to someone else.
i understand that the damage i caused and still cause is all about my desire for one thing or another. i also understand that i have a choice, i can tap dance around the issue and bury what is really going on under a pile of platitudes, bumper-stickers and clichés OR i can return to the action of NOT allowing anything to stand between myself and my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞