Blog entry for:

how had my gotten so messed up? i thought i was hopelessly bad, or perhaps hopelessly insane. it was without a doubt comforting to learn that i was suffering from a condition called addiction and that there was a method of alleviating my pain and suffering. i know that the reading speaks directly to entire disease concept or as one of my grand sponsees is fond of saying these days "dis ease" of addiction. well as time goes on, i need less and less to rely on that notion and i go more and more towards the part of me i call my addict. this discussion, while lively and contentious is a diversion from the real meat of what i heard this morning and as such i will leave it at that.
whatever or however i refer to what i see my problem as today, doe not matter, what really matters is how i felt way back then, and how i feel today. honestly the greatest relief came when i realized that i was in a room of people just like me, who knew how it felt, and best of all had a solution to my problem and it was not electroshock therapy. at times, it feels like it just may be some sort of shock therapy however! all jokes aside, it was not evident to me that i even had a problem when i walked into the rooms, and even when i committed to to this whole recovery gig, i was still not certain that there was really a problem, as i did not recognize the major symptom of this ‘disease’ as being part of my life. i had yet to believe that i was using drugs uncontrollably.
yes, some of us are sicker than others, and it took quite a bit before my wall of denial was finally cracked and ready to start to tumble. once that process started to happen is when i became freaked about who i was and how i felt, and if i was really hopelessly bad, because then i could finally see my actions and my behaviors in the cold light of the dawning about what i had become, an addict in untreated active addiction.
today i get that and accept that notion without reservations, and although i would love to wail about how much of a victim i was at the hands of addiction, and i was a victim of addiction, i have learned it is far more productive to take responsibility of what i did, man up and move forward, knowing that no matter how bad i behaved, or how crazy i acted, i have a way of becoming more than that today. you see, the program has taught me that i am not the sum of my behaviors, unless i want to be. nor am i a victim of life and its ups and downs, unless of course that is how i want to live. these days neither of those conditions are what i desire, so i think i will walk the path of recovery instead of the path untreated addiction. i will treat my addiction with the only palliative course i know of, that of active recovery. today i will be more than the victim of addiction and live in the light as much as possible, because i have been given a way of doing so that leads to a whole new manner of living.
so off to the streets to gewt actively involved in my fitness program as well. vacation is over and time to move back into reality,

∞ DT ∞