Blog entry for:

weak and feeble, or perhaps hopelessly insane. i mean, i acted like no one i knew. i did things i did not really want to do and i walked around in a chemical haze that protected me from the reality of my situation. in fact it protected me so well, that the thoughts of being different from most of the rest of the human race, faded behind an ever thicker wall of denial.
so the caveat here for me, is that this whole disease concept, while comforting, feels no different than saying someone is inferior because their skin is darker than me. skin color, is determined by a complex interaction of a person's genes, and i am coming to see addiction in the same light. that being said, Type I diabetes, is also most likely the result of genetic chance, and society does call that disease, so my argument can swing either way, based on how i want to spin it.
the myth that somehow addiction makes me two persons, or influences like so mesmerizing con-man, has also been exploded across the course of my experience and what gives me relief today, is that the program of the fellowship i call my home, provide me the means to counter the part of me i call addiction, and allow me to live a more comfortable and a life that is in greater conformity to the other 85% of the human race. for me the statement i am an addict, means just that. what that boils down to is that i want to kill myself, barring that get high, to make the substitution into one of the bon-mots that float around the rooms. makes it a whole lot less trite, when i put it it that way. yes, it is me, at my core, that is undeniably my own worse enemy, and there is nothing, on my own i can do about it, as i believe i was born this way.
with that in mind, why do i stick around the rooms, after all, i have got myself, (yes the substitution will continue, if it disturbs you, talk to someone or click away), under control and have lost the desire to get high? i am no longer a walking time bomb, liable to go off unpredictably at someone. most importantly of all, my moral compass has returned and i see rationalizations and justifications, as a means to lie to myself, and protect myself from the slings and arrows of a conscience. i walk comfortably through life most days, and the addict that is me, seems to have been excised from my being. i write those words and all of a sudden i feel a chill. i understand what others who reach this point in their recovery feel, and i have to ask myself, am i more like a dark-skinned person or a Type I diabetic?
for me, i have found great comfort in a group of people who think like i do, and understand the relative insanity that goes through my head. i take great comfort in being part of something that provides me the means to be more than just a using addict, scraping by on the bottom of society. all of that is BECAUSE, i work the program of recovery that was given to me, from those who came before me and stuck around. i do not work my program or take what i want and leave the rest. i have a sponsor, even though i struggled to come to grips with the whole GOD thing, today i have an active connection to the POWER that fuels this recovery, i work steps, i go to meetings and i keep in contact with those who are in the same boat, addicts trying their best to live in a hostile and to us, very confusing world of feelings, expectations and the next right thing to dos. all of this and more, comes from the program of active recovery i have been given and although it may be superstitious, i am unwilling to try leaving it behind. after all, all of my peers and i share two things, addiction and recovery. no matter how someone else defines it, just for today, this addict is taking the cure, in the rooms of the fellowship that has become my life.

∞ DT ∞