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are quite apt descriptions of myriad behaviors and thought processes that consumed me in active addiction and early recovery. one of the most destructive was to take everything as a personal affront and insult to me. when a relationship went sour, it was always the fault of someone else and i was entitled to be resentful and angry. there was no consideration about what i might wrong. it was always black and white that it was their fault and their fault only. in the short and long run, i drove myself deeper and deeper into a seething, angry and resentful maelstrom of lonely despair, and could never figure out, what went wrong. sitting in the vantage point of a minute clean, i can see that trait in others and know that it certainly is not me anymore, as i am entitled to give what i can and if it is not enough or accepted, than move along, without assigning blame. some of time things just do not work out. at least i have enough courtesy to say i am sorry that i could not give them what they thought they needed.
what is driving this train this morning, is how someone else is blaming my spouse for a relationship that ended poorly. it got me thinking about the men who fired me as a sponsor, either through direct action, ghosting me or walking away from the program. many of those men i still am in contact with and for me there is no judgement or regrets, i understand that not every relationship lasts forever and some are doomed because they grow beyond what i can offer. for those that walk away, i always have HOPE they will find the ways and means to stay clean and continue their journey of growing into the men they have always wanted to be. no, the ones that hurt the most, are the ones who ghost me, as i never get the benefit of their experience and feedback. where one that would drive resentments, and trust me, there were certainly some nasty, invective filled ones, today it just saddens me. i can take on that i had a part in that behavior, although i will never know what that part is, so i have to accept it for what it is, an enigma that lacks solution, and move along. obsessing about what i did or did not do does not make me healthier, wiser or saner. it does not bring any balance into my life and certainly fVcks with my serenity.
as i get ready to enforce another day off for myself and enjoy the peace within, leaving work by the wayside for the third day in a row, i get a bit anxious about what i may not be getting, specifically paid for doing nothing. in that minute or worry and inner turmoil, i have to look at what really is happening and what really is driving that FEAR. i know i have a huge project headed my way, and i know that it will be a challenge to me. i also am quite certain it is within my skill set and all i have to do is to allow myself to do the work and see what happens. it is up to me to pick-up this gauntlet and create something that may last for a minute or two, just for today.

∞ DT ∞