Blog entry for:

once upon a time, i believed that i had all the answers, and that i knew for certain, who i was. that time feels as if it was just yesterday, but i know today, as i uncover my resentments and the BIG LIE, i have told myself over the decades of my life, that is not true, and more than likely, it was never true. i may be cynical, and unwilling to let anyone take care of me, still to this day, but the resentments that are coming up on this 4TH STEP are all about how i can to be so messed up and the consequences of basing my identity on the lie i once believed protected me from the world. the American Dream and how it applied, or better put never applied to me, is the basis of this lie and the entitlement i feel today, is the end result. the fact is, i am still not as whole or genuine as i may want to appear to others, but i do have the means to find my way through the web of deceit i have spun.
it is weird that in these chaotic times, i end up looking at what makes me who i am. ironically. much of what i integrated into my identity, is based on what i saw on TV and the expectations my culture foisted upon me. as i work through what “happened” and how i got to where i was, i am left with little Faiths and a huge amount of FEAR. as i spoke at my home group this morning i was touched by the feedback i received and i am not sure, whether the tears i shed, were out of joy or sadness. my emotions are always a mixed bag, when i tell my story, even to those who have had the chance to actually be a part of my life. it is a good day to be clean and this addict is going to take a bit of a power nap and let himself heal up from the physical and mental roller-coaster that this past week has been. it is sometimes better to do nothing, when i am not sure of what the next right thing may be.

∞ DT ∞