Blog entry for:

feel so badly about myself, at all? part of it is because over the years, i became accustomed to settling for less than the best. oh yeah, because i am an addict and i took that internal dialogue and wore it as a mantle of justification, that allowed me to use mass quantities and stay high most of the time. i always had the desire to be more: more social, more likeable, better adjusted, more educated and the list goes on and on. i always settled to live the lie that was the best i was ever going to get, so smoke another bowl, retreat into a fantasy world and shut down those voices from within, that berated me, ceaselessly, until i got high enough to shut them off. the fact that there are times, i can still go there, is evidence that i still am far from “cured.”
so is there absolutely no hope? in this instance, yes there is. where once all i heard was the shrill scream of the internal banshee telling me i could never be what i wanted to be, now i only hear an occasional whisper or two. better still, where once i believed all of those lies, today i can conflate them with a preponderance of evidence. case in point: i did not get the ;last job i interviewed for and it was not for the reasons the offered up, to soothe my oh so delicate feelings. i failed to play the “interview game,” where i say what i need to say to give them the impression that i am dying to get in there. no i need not sell myself out and be less than who i am, but i did need to round off more than one of my sharp edges and attempt to fit. they presented me far too many opening and opportunities to do just that, and in my arrogant and obtuse manner i chose to ignore them all. where i could have certainly gone with that, is to the land of being too old, to set in my ways and not good enough. where i chose to go with that, was to take it as a lesson learned and move forward with my hunt for a new position. it has been quite a bit of time, since i had to “sell” myself and i forget about offering the “most” attractive package that i can, without lying or compromising my values.
today, i have evidence that i no longer need to settle, even though for the most part, this day will suck and it is only the first of four days of my house being a home improvement project. this is change that initiated and the consequences of the actions i started six months ago. if i had continues to choose to live as if i was an ostrich and pretend that there was nothing i needed to do, or worse could do, to fix a financial mess i had created, this day would have never come. it is not that much unlike six years ago, when i felt hopeless and without direction. i had to surrender way back when, and i had to surrender those months ago, to the inevitability that i am not that much different than my peers, and i need to take care of business, if i expect to survive and even thrive in the world around me. becoming whole and genuine, is not an easy task, i am certainly grateful i need not accomplish it, in a day. learning to live through spite, envy and jealousy and come out on the other side, more whole is a feat i have accomplished, even if the results are not to the liking of every single,. man, woman and child. today, i can be okay, even with my house being a mess, and know that this too shall pass, and Saturday morning as the last of our treasures is replaced in its home, i can say, it is a good thing we did, even though it felt like the worse thing ever, for those four days.
yup, i am projecting and for me, right here and right now, i need a bit of projecting to get me through today. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞