Some memes

despite friction. it is quite true, i have very strong opinions about how something should get done. it is also true that i can cross the line between being assertive to being aggressive, quite quickly. i have been the source of lots of friction when it comes to carrying the message of recovery to the still suffering addict and i am far from proud about my part in doing so. lately it seems that i have a tendency to fly off the handle when i am disrespected, or better put, i think i am being disrespected in any way. it is something i need to look at and with the help of my sponsor and those around me, find the ways and means to return to a state of responding, rather than reacting. there are two common themes, those i have gone off on are using addicts with whom i am very close. they did not install the buttons they are pushing, probably have no clue that they are there, but get what is left of my wrathful fury, for little or no reason at all. one of them leaves my life today, for the most part. the other, well that is a relationship i will need to work on.
moving into the here and now and considering where in my life i can increase my cooperation by reducing the friction between others and myself, i see that i have been more than a little out of balance in my life,giving far too much of myself in one instance and not enough in the other. my journey towards learning to respect and be good to myself, has been thwarted by my insistence in having things done my way and not listening to those for whom i have little regard or respect. i am not well-versed in being patient with those who are victims of themselves and blame everyone else for the dire straits they find themselves in. i have lived that sort of life and am loathe to admit that there are days when i want to return to a place where the world is against me and i am just fVcked. on those days i am feeling overwhelmed by the happenings of life on its own terms, even when those terms are good ones. today, that may be the case, or it just may be the clean date anniversary crazies, coming to full force, just a bit on the later side, this year. or it just may be i am in need of letting go of all the stuff that is not mine and let the chips fall where they may. i have a few days of glorious isolation coming up and although i will miss seeing my spouse, it will be some time to do what i want to do, catch-up on the must-see TV that have been putting off and perhaps get some balance back into my life as the cares and woes of others, fade into the background noise.
i am good today and a bit ahead of my normal daily schedule. that means i get to “ease on down the road” rather than fretting and fuming about what i “need” get done. life may be far from perfect and i may be having an issue or three accepting that as fact, but the truth is, my life is way better than those in my life who are using and living in their world of denial, been there, done that and certainly have more than one version of the T-shirt. just for today, it is time for me to let go and be okay to cooperate rather than be the sand in the gears.

∞ DT ∞