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what does give me relief in recovery is action and prayer. much as i would love to have my belly fat disappear while i sleep, by taking some secret formula, it has been my experience that the only way this whole gig works is to do the work. i see ads all the time for sleeping away that unsightly fat, and if i was a gullible type i might be sending off my hard-earned to achieve those results that show me. the same applies to recovery HOWEVER, i have yet to see an addict that has not worked a step have anything i want. just like those deceptive ads, they are cautious not to lie. it is true that they get free from the judicial system, get their families back and keep their jobs. if when ask them, they me everything is hunky dory, life in recovery is good next subject please, all the while i see in their eyes, something akin to a trapped wild animal. they are trapped in the half light of the perpetual newcomer -- they see everyone around them getting better, their lives are getting better, but they still feel the same, no matter how much they pray, no matter how many service commitments they have, no matter how many times they chant the clichés, they feel the lack of something essential and yet lack the determination to do the work to get it.
how do i know this so well? it has been me! been there done that! more than once. recovery by proxy or trying to get it by sexual transmission, never worked for me, and perhaps i am being too harsh by closing my mind to the possibility that it may work for others. be that as it may, FOR ME, i have found that there is magic in the program, and it does not come from memorizing the readings and chanting them back like some sort of spell. what magic?

well here i sit today, thinking about:
• how i can make my small piece of the world a little bit better
• how i can improve the lives of those i love
• how i can be more than i ever was.

none of that those thoughts ever took hold in my pointy little head when i was using. nor were they major concerns when i was trying to recover by assmosis! how about that? i have been transformed into something i was not, the lead of active addiction has been changed into the gold of a recovering addict, and the alchemy of that was my effort at working the steps and learning how to live them in my daily life. quite honestly, there is no way i should be sitting here, with the life i have, based on who and what i was before accepting the program into my life. there are days when i wonder when i am going to wake-up and find that this is some sort of dream i have been having while laying comatose, in some rehab bed recovering from a near fatal overdose.
anyhopw, i am drained of invective and any other ideas about how the program works its magic. i know that it does. the program is quite simple and although i may do the next right thing, it does not mean my life will continue to get better, but I WILL, and that is the promise of active recovery. so down to the basement to finish this exercise cycle and work off that annoying belly fat that i cannot sleep off, DANG IT ;).

∞ DT ∞