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man, oh man, this could be a tirade against all the evils in the program, all the evils in the world in general and all of those who...
this morning, while going there may be fun, it is not where i am going, nor is it what i felt in the little bit of quiet time i managed to squeeze in this morning. as a matter of fact, i actually heard very little and even stranger felt even less. since very little guidance has come in the way of what i NEED to be writing about this morning, i guess i am just winging it.
how do i feel? well that is always a great question to start off one of theses exercises. as usual, there is no simple answer. i feel concerned for a couple of my sponsees that are skating on very thin ice. one has managed to reverse his direction and is headed back towards the safety of the program, the other is noodling around at the edge, getting away with sh!t and behaviors that in the long run may cause him even greater pain, at least he looked in the correct direction and hopefully making a decision to come back towards shore.
that is an interesting metaphor for me to choose, on the verge of the first arctic front of the season. as i see it, and i do see it now, recovery is much like ice skating on a frozen pond. at first it is difficult for most of us to figure out how to make any forward progress, much less do acrobatic loops and turns. with practice it becomes easier, and at least in my experience, the more i do this recovery gig, the more i can do in my life. the only problem is the pond is not frozen solid. there are thin spots and there is an edge to the thick ice. since i have freedom of choice, i can noodle around those danger spots. if the ice breaks and i fall in, sinking into the morass of relapse, i have no one else to blame but myself. it was i, who made the informed decision to skate over to those holes. it was i that stayed there even after i heard the ice start to crack under my weight. and most importantly it would be me, who chose to ignore all the warning and caution markers set-up by those who have walked this path before me. as one can see, i am not expressing a whole lot of sympathy for those who choose relapse. i truly believe that relapse is a choice and and option every single day for me. this morning i woke up and chose NOT TO RELAPSE, then i chose TO LIVE A PROGRAM OF ACTIVE RECOVERY, then with those two choice made, i walked with FAITH into doing what i needed to do to implement those decisions.
not too terribly complex, and choices that will allow me to grow this morning and today. so how can i gauge the pace of my recovery? certainly not by looking at the growth of others. in that comparison i am likely to lose, as i have inside information and my comparison can only be based on their outside appearances. no, gauge my growth, i need only look at the person who walked into the rooms back when i finally decided that recovery may just be what i DESIRED. man what a difference a few thousand days make, especially since more than a few of them were spent living the program.
so today, i think i will avoid the warning signs, stay away from the edge of the open water and skate safely with my fellows in the warmth of active recovery, it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞