Blog entry for:

under the same uncomfortable feelings day after day, i DESIRE a quick fix and wonder if i am somehow missing something in my recovery process. then of course there is the alternative: this recovery gig is just not paying off and i certainly do know how to rid myself of those uncomfortable feelings, at least for twenty minutes or so. as i look at what i have written so far, i see that i am back into the black and white binary decision-making process that haunted me when i got clean and was one of the hardest parts of me to let go of, over the course of the days that comprise my clean-time. recover harder or walk away, nothing about pausing,. reflecting and connecting with someone who knows me, will listen to me bitch and moan and actually provide a suggestion or two about how might wish to proceed. that dovetails quite nicely into my current assignment to strengthen my connection to my sponsor, by reaching out to him on a weekly basis.
all of that does pertain to the here and now, but for me, that is not what came screaming to the surface as i listened this morning. i wondered what i could do for those in my family, who seem to get their “science” from YouTube and have decided that the risk of getting a vaccine for COVID outweighs the risk of actually getting COVID. or worse, have come to believe that since they have already had a mild case, they are now bulletproof, even though the science says that is not enough. it really sickens me, that a public health issue has been turned into a political hotcake, to keep the money coming in, for conservative causes, and media outlets. i now have two family members who have been in ICU, because of the choices they made in believing what they did, that COVID was a political ploy by the liberals to own the conservatives, although they would be loathe to admit that straight up.
oops, up on a soapbox again.
as i was saying, what came up from the depths was a feeling of self-righteous indignation that people in this world would willingly sacrifice their health and steal medical resources from those in need, just to make a political point. what came out of that, was a sense of sadness for my family members who are paying the price for backing the wrong horse. i want to say “see what happens when you act like an idiot🙻” what i have to say is that conservative trope that gets trotted out after every mass murder: “my thoughts and prayers are with you.” the fact is, i want them to get better and return to a “normal” life, unfortunately that new normal may be walking around with an oxygen tank, waiting for a bi-lateral lung transplant, or even worse. as i let go of my need to be “right” and to be angry, i can allow myself to feel sad that they are enduring what they have to endure and take the steps i need to take, to stay healthy as well. there is no guarantee that will work, but it is certainly better than the alternative, hiding my head in the sand and hoping it passes me by. 🤔

∞ DT ∞