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to wish away the days, weeks, months and years. even though there are times when i do not view my life in recovery in that manner. in fact, i often find myself wondering IF any of the work i do to maintain my recovery is actually worth what i get out of it. have i reached the point of diminishing returns and the time has come to move along? it is not that unlike my fitness program or my nicotine cessation program. even though i saw huge gains early on, the long-term benefits seem to be a bit elusive to enumerate. and so it goes, what is good for me, often feels too much effort to sustain, especially when i see others who were once my peers, seemingly enjoying life as “normal” people do. although i am quite sure that FaceBook posts are not the best gauge of “happy” and “fulfilled” they really are.
instead of wishing, which i am quite prone to do, and living in the fantasy that maybe it was not all that bad, i need to remember that pain is inevitable but misery certainly is optional. no i am not about to go all yippy-skippy on this topic, but i do need to remember that today i CHOOSE to be clean and in active recovery, regardless of what the circumstances that dragged me by the short hairs into the rooms, happened to be. that CHOICE is the cornerstone of who i am and at the heart of my identity as an addict in recovery.
i make all sorts of choices in my life, some that benefit me in the long run, although those benefits are not readily apparent to me, and some that are detrimental to my health and well-being. i live in a fantasy that smoking was a choice i made and that i smoked because i wanted to to do so. what my little nicotine fast is showing me, is that is far from the case, i NEEDED to smoke every single day and i was certainly a slave to nicotine and had long since passed beyond using nicotine socially. my cheat day and test day are approaching and i am really wondering what i will CHOOSE to do, once i pass the test. my “wish” is that i can manage to keep my use of tobacco to purely social situations and not end up where in was before. my FEAR is, that once the sword of $100 per month has been lifted i will rationalize and justify my way back to where i was. time will tell and i certainly have a POWER that fuels my recovery, that i can fall back on for the strength to be better than i once was.
anyhow, it is time to see how far i can run today and see what milestone i have arrived at, just for today.

∞ DT ∞