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and courage usually begin with action, and the feeling comes later. i came to recovery trusting absolutely no one, not even myself. even today, after a minute clean, i still have issues trusting those before i have a chance to get to know them, whether or not they are in recovery. the life living in the trust but verify regime is a hard, hurtful and sometimes a little lonely. time and steps have got me to the place that i at least walk into a room of my peers, whether, i have met them in the past or not, and be open about what is happening in my life. i still, however, have an issue or two trusting those in the throes of active addiction or the so-called “normal” folks. i am certainly a work in process and i do my best on a daily basis.
as i sit here on this steamy Monday morning in the tropics i see all sorts of behavior around me, of which i do not condone. i know the reason i “see” it is because i have participated in it myself, sometimes more recently than i want to admit. when i said my plan today was to do nothing but chill and read, one of my fellow travelers looked at me with confusion. it is true he is only seventeen, but he did not get that perhaps doing nothing is more than enough for a few hours. as i become more secure in who i am, even though i do not yet grasp that on an intellectual level, i can be okay with allowing myself empty time to relax and allow myself to recover from my busy post-modern life. in fact i “should” not even be on this task today. i will not allow myself to shame myself for dipping back into the world around me, but i will post this ditty and get on with filling my hours with nothing but sea, sun and a good book, or perhaps even another cigar, after all i am a grown ass man on vacation.

∞ DT ∞