Blog entry for:

to do so i have to slow down, add one responsibility at a time from each area in my life and then i will be rewarded with that elusive balance. quite honestly, i am approaching the end of a service commitment that i have carried for quite some time, and i am more than a little confused about my feelings. i know that i am doing the right thing, stepping away for a bit of time and allowing others to step in and be a part of service, and yet there is a part of me, that i already missing being part of the fray that comes with that territory. i could whine about this, instead i am just accepting that it is what it is. i now have room in my life for an expansion of a new set of service commitments, ones that have only recently appeared in my life, and ones that are just as fulfilling as those i am leaving behind. more importantly i now have room to expand my activities in the other areas of my life, that service prevented me from doing before.
my service commitments have been my excuse to keep from expanding my interests and to see what i really like in the way of activities outside the world of recovery. being as involved as i was, i allowed service to consume my time, giving myself the easy way out. if i am busy with service to my fellowship, i hardly have the time to find outside issues, and there is little chance of being bored.
as i write this, the light-bulb brightens, and i get where my ambivalent feelings are coming from -- FEAR OF CHANGE! after all, now i have no excuse to exercise my artistic desires, whether or not i have any talent or not. now i have no excuse to explore ideas and activities outside of the rooms of recovery. most of all, i have no excuse to seek to better myself on levels i have never had the time to dive down to. all of this is a good thing, and as the wall of denial is stripped away from my eyes, i see that although i do owe the fellowship a debt beyond repayment, i used that debt to allow myself to stagnate in the other areas of my life. the scales had their balance of sorts, and i just allowed myself to believe that they were balanced in a healthy manner, so i would not have to really look at what i need to see. my relationship with myself, suffered because of the emphasis i put on my relationship with the fellowship through my service efforts. now that the scales have that weight removed, i have to add new grains of sand as the metaphor in the reading suggests, and as i strip away the FEAR, i am finding the courage to do exactly that. i do not know what those new interests will be, but i can be excited about finally allowing myself the chance to explore the rest of me.
do not get me wrong, i am grateful for what service has taught me about myself and my relationships with others. as i am grateful for having the opportunity to see more than my home group as i served at the various levels in the service structure. those lessons and the knowledge i have accumulated are an invaluable resource that i will cherish and expand upon in the future. just for today, HOWEVER, i will see what the next right thing for me to do is, by sitting still and being present long enough to allow that to bubble up to my conscious self. so into the showers i go, then down to Denver to give away the last bit of the responsibilities i once owned. life is not bad today, and i am happy to start this new chapter, at least i am right now. we will see if that changes as time goes by.

∞ DT ∞