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self-appraisal through living the steps was not something i signed up for, way back when. it was, however, a consequence of my desire to being miserably abstinent and actually figure out a new manner in which to live. as i was a master at self-deception through the smoke and mirrors of rationalization, justification and blame, learning how to even begin to be honest about who and what i was, was to say the least, one of the most difficult and significant decisions in my life. that is not to say that i was struck “clean” or totally honest, as some of my peers seem to claim happened to them, it was however, a start of a journey that has brought me here, to where i am today.
i have to admit, that way back when, there was no way i thought i would ever have the opportunity to go to, the places i have been or have the desire to do anything more than sit around, get high and whine and bitch about how boring, dull and lackluster my life was. Mount Kilimanjaro? Tahiti? Athens? Reykjavik? Dublin? Mount Elbert? not even a blip on the radar back in those days. in fact i could barely scrape together enough resources to go white-water rafting with my friends and even then, i had to rely on their kindness to get what i needed. amazingly, that was the life i wanted back, as soon as i could get out from under the thumb of the justice system. even more amazingly, that when i had the opportunity to return to that life, i had just enough of a taste of what my life could become, that i chose to remain in recovery and apply the steps to my life, no matter how ugly and painful that process was becoming.
these days, it is not where i am going that counts, it is how i am getting there. although i can be impressed about all the external changes that are manifest in my life these days, what i am really coming to cherish is the balance i am starting to see. i have often shared that i used to find emotional balance, cutting off the highs and the lows. today, i live a program of active recovery to work on my spiritual balance, learning to discern what is and what is not withing my power to change. those emotional highs and lows that i so desperately tried to avoid, just are part of my daily landscape and deserve to me acknowledged, felt and responded to, as they are certainly beyond my power to control, when i am living a program. in fact, as odd as it may sound, i see my feelings as just part of living a life to its fullest and continue to choose to be okay with whatever feelings i may have.
i do have to apologize for “phoning it in,” yesterday, it was not my best effort at bringing what is going on inside of me, out into the open, today, as i approach the end of this exercise, i know that i choose to live in this manner today. there is truly nothing that keeps me from returning to a life that includes the use of substances, save for my desire to stay clean. that desire goes beyond mere abstinence and into the realm of being more than i was before. to continue that process, i just have to keep on allowing myself to be guided by what i uncover, as i live a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞