Blog entry for:

with living as a productive member of society, still haunts me, even with a minute or so clean. as i deal with my grief the ups and downs of possible vacations, and a weather related wimp-out workout, i get that i am probably doing far better than i think i am, at balancing my life. i want that brand new job to appear in my inbox. i want financial security to appear in my bank-book and i want emotional stability, to appear in my heart and soul. walking the path between uncertainty and spiritual fulfillment is tough for me these days and the places my life feels unbalanced are affecting the balance of my entire life. no matter how hard i attempt to live in STEP ELEVEN, my latest STEP FIVE sends me into a tailspin.
my decisions this morning, especially deferring my workout to an indoor venue, later in the day, however, have brought a sense of calm to me. sure i just applied for a job way above anything i have attempted to do in the past and sitting here wondering about whether my youngest cousin is going to make it out of ICU alive, does have me pissed off at my family members who do not “believe” in COVID-19 or science in general. the curve-balls life has thrown at me over the past four months, feel overwhelming and my meeting attendance has been way down. finding a semblance of “normal” is not an easy task for me, as i rewrite my notions of who i am and where i may be going, as well as let go of those parts of my past, that have held me down for far too long.
as i rose from sitting this morning, i realized that i am trying to hold on to far too many things and overwhelming myself with a complexity that i do not really desire or require. i think that just for today, i may take a peek at my emotional scales and see if if i “jigger” the grains of sand that are causing my angst. right here and right now, it is time to shower off and get ready to face this day, get a virtual meeting in, make an appointment to talk to my friend Jack and let go of what may be, as i explore the possibilities of the here and now. it really is a good day to be me, angst and all. 🤪

∞ DT ∞