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composed, and self-assured are certainly not three words i often use to describe myself. on the other hand, others have used all three to describe how they see me. it has always been difficult for me to accept that i may be doing better than i believe i am, and that being better shows, especially after living decades under the illusion that i had to present a certain self to the world in general. it is an especially difficult task to achieve when i know someone is prevaricating and tap-dancing around issues. it is astounding that they think that by being dismissive and vague that my concerns will just vanish in a puff of smoke. to me it feels more like a high-wire act, rather than a balancing act: accepting that what someone is not saying is for reasons beyond my ken, since i lived in that paradigm for most of my life, myself. what others do not know, cannot hurt me, right 🙻 🙻 🙻
after quickly running through that topic this morning, what came to me as i sat was that i am powerless over so many things in this world, why not accept that as fact and move along. living a life in recovery has created a mostly stable spiritual landscape for me. sure, there are upheavals and even tectonic shifts that occur as the layers of flotsam and jetsam are scraped off who i once was, before i got socialized and cultured into society. i certainly have no clue who that person once was, but i am getting insight into who he is today. i see my life in a few different phases after that fateful day in my ancient past, when i first came to realize i needed to hide how different i was, or i would have consequences that i was unwilling to accept. learning to live under cover in plain sight was hard enough, but using certainly made the burden lighter. getting clean but not accepting recovery as a way of life, sustain ed me for as long as it could. learning to live a program, until i was ready to face the truth, allowed me to find some stable ground. finally, exploding the lie and learning to accept that i am not who i pretended to be, for all those decades, has brought me to a place where serene, composed and self-assured, may be terms i can use to describe how i am feeling. the balance that has been so sorely lacking for so long, is coming into focus and i am starting to find a bit of peace of mind.
as i have many things to accomplish today, i do believe i have run out of things to say. i am living as my best possible self today and i have to accept that others are doing the same. i could very well, let them know that i know that they are lying, to me, to their medical providers and to themselves, but to what point. the sad fact of life that i never learned until recently is that the harder i try and “hide” something the more visible it is to anyone who is really looking. today, i am an open book and that book needs to get out and get some miles under its belt, just for today.

∞ DT ∞