Blog entry for:

Wed, May 11, 2022 06:37:31 AM


😌 serene, 😌
posted: Wed, May 11, 2022 06:37:31 AM

 

composed, and self-assured are certainly not three words i often use to describe myself. on the other hand, others have used all three to describe how they see me. it has always been difficult for me to accept that i may be doing better than i believe i am, and that being better shows, especially after living decades under the illusion that i had to present a certain self to the world in general. it is an especially difficult task to achieve when i know someone is prevaricating and tap-dancing around issues. it is astounding that they think that by being dismissive and vague that my concerns will just vanish in a puff of smoke. to me it feels more like a high-wire act, rather than a balancing act: accepting that what someone is not saying is for reasons beyond my ken, since i lived in that paradigm for most of my life, myself. what others do not know, cannot hurt me, right 🙻 🙻 🙻
after quickly running through that topic this morning, what came to me as i sat was that i am powerless over so many things in this world, why not accept that as fact and move along. living a life in recovery has created a mostly stable spiritual landscape for me. sure, there are upheavals and even tectonic shifts that occur as the layers of flotsam and jetsam are scraped off who i once was, before i got socialized and cultured into society. i certainly have no clue who that person once was, but i am getting insight into who he is today. i see my life in a few different phases after that fateful day in my ancient past, when i first came to realize i needed to hide how different i was, or i would have consequences that i was unwilling to accept. learning to live under cover in plain sight was hard enough, but using certainly made the burden lighter. getting clean but not accepting recovery as a way of life, sustain ed me for as long as it could. learning to live a program, until i was ready to face the truth, allowed me to find some stable ground. finally, exploding the lie and learning to accept that i am not who i pretended to be, for all those decades, has brought me to a place where serene, composed and self-assured, may be terms i can use to describe how i am feeling. the balance that has been so sorely lacking for so long, is coming into focus and i am starting to find a bit of peace of mind.
as i have many things to accomplish today, i do believe i have run out of things to say. i am living as my best possible self today and i have to accept that others are doing the same. i could very well, let them know that i know that they are lying, to me, to their medical providers and to themselves, but to what point. the sad fact of life that i never learned until recently is that the harder i try and “hide” something the more visible it is to anyone who is really looking. today, i am an open book and that book needs to get out and get some miles under its belt, just for today.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

2) Thus we may see,
Who cleaves to fame
Rejects what is more great;
Who loves large stores
Gives up the richer state.