Blog entry for:

my inexperience with living my life in recovery. when i do ask a more experienced member what to do, i am often amazed at the simplicity of the answer. ah, ye olde balancing the scales of life reading. of all the metaphors and clichés that are part of the annual cycle, this is one that i have very few problems with, most of the time. i did not however, get this started just to make an editorial comment on the content of the reading, in fact the content, in and of itself, stands on its own merits. i agree with, changing parts of my life, in small increments at a time, to see how it will affect the overall picture. so with that i can mouth one of my least favorite lines: <sarcasm>“i really liked the reading today!”</sarcasm>
seriously though, the balance gig is important and although it appears that i am being demeaning, by giving it short shrift, it just is not on top of the stack today. i get, and i am ready to move on.
what is on top of my metaphorical stack today is the whole inexperience at living life gig. one would think that after 54 years of walking on the planet earth, one might have acquired a clue or two. one would be correct, if one did not happen to be someone who spent 25 of his years in a chemically induced haze, that allowed him to tune out form reality and not deal with much at all, except with the finding the ways and means. the theory that a person stops aging emotionally when their addiction gets triggered, is one that i ascribe to wholeheartedly, as it seems to be the best explanation for why i am so clueless so much of the time about living life. ok, a quick disclaimer here. it is true, that i have been doing this recovery gig for over four thousand days in a row. it is true that i have been working a program of active recovery. and most importantly it is true, that although i may whine about being clueless, i really have accumulated more than a clue. yet, there are still aspects of this life trip that are a puzzlement to me. that is when i NEED to and most often DO ask for the insight of a member who has been doing the active recovery gig for longer than i have been doing it. NOTICE i said nothing about clean time, that was by intent as i am discovering more and more that those who may have years of abstinence do not necessarily live one day in active recovery. that was the first clue i got, when i started to become aware of what recovery was all about, however that is a digression.
as i was saying, more and more, i am willing to ask those who have what i want about how they did what i happen to be going through at this particular time. i find that most of the time their insight and their experience, while not directly applicable, provides more than enough direction for me to sort through what needs to be sorted through and processed. their experience is a road map that shows me where to expect the landmines, and it most cases avoid them. their experience gives me what i cannot give myself, the ways and means to live today to my best ability. mostly their experience is a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and only works when i stop, listen and become present for what it is i am being told.
which for some sort of reason brings me back to service. it always ends up about being of service when i think about this reading. there is a position that i am seeming to fill by default and i am not quite sure how to prevent it. the details are not germane to this discussion this morning, but they certainly will present me a few opportunities for growth as i walk through this experience. it may be time to give my sponsor a call, and ask for some direction on how to proceed. the job needs to be done, BUT i am NOT the only addict who can do it. time to listen and see what i can hear. oh yeah, i AM NOT running in the rain this morning, so i have an extra hour to accomplish a thing or two. it is a great day to be in active recovery and i think i will celebrate that fact today.

∞ DT ∞