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of dirty tricks over to a Higher Power -- and over and over and over again, certainly seems to be a lifelong task. every time i think i need to pull out one of them, at least i pause and consider the consequences, most of the time that is more than enough. those other times? even when i have examined the consequences and found them to be outside my tolerable limits it is “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” much to my chagrin, once again i need to turn over my bag of tricks into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. if only i would learn …
most of this day has passed since i read the reading this morning and what was on the tip of my tongue, so to speak, is long gone. i went to my home group and the topic was self-acceptance and it really galls me that it took nearly thirteen years of actual recovery before i could even begin to think about accepting myself. my need for approval from others and all the behaviors around seeking that, kept me sick, for a very, very, very, very long time. after finally getting past the denial that my Mom was the person who taught me to use words as if they were paired rapiers, cutting and ripping all around me to shreds, including myself, the final piece fell into place. today, i may not yet know who the fVck i am, but at least i have a path forward into this strange new land and i am willing to see where it leads.
speaking of my Mom, it is my first Mother's Day without her. i have all sorts of feelings, a numbness in the place where i think i might have once been in awe of her. a sadness as i feel the hole where absence has left in my life. a touch of anger where i have yet to forgive her. and all sorts of forgiveness even though she pretended to be clueless about her use of words as weapons of mass destruction. to make some sort of living amends to the mothers who are still in my life, i am making an attempt to bake a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. no telling if i will be serving that tomorrow or making a quick run to Whole Foods to see what is left in their bakery department. i followed the recipe and i have to have FAITH that was was presented is going to work, at $55.00 for the raw ingredients and four hours of prep and baking time, i can hardly afford to attempt this again. i am certainly living in a bit of FAITH and i will see what happens.
just for today, i can be honest with myself and others, i can be brutally honest, using honesty as a weapon or i can just let sleeping dawgs lie. i have a week to consider how to move along the step path with my sponsee who is way over zealous in his beliefs, and that too, belongs in the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞