Blog entry for:

my own inadequacy has been a constant undercurrent in my life. it has taken a few rounds of steps, and learning how to live a program of active recovery, in order to decimate that part of the belief structure with which i was a prisoner of, when i came into the rooms. as i start my twenty-eight cycle of just for todays, i feel a sense of something that has been missing for more than a minute in my life, an urgency to get real with who and what i am today and leave the old garbage in the huge bin that has been my past. what i keep stumbling over, is a sort of “hoarder” mindset, as i go to pitch something that i no longer need, desire or is unhelpful, i think WHOA, maybe i will still need this tomorrow or the next day, knowing full well that i will not.
this morning, as the messages of congratulations keep rolling in, i feel sort of “blessed.” i really hate to use that term, as for me it has all sorts of religious connotations, from which i cringe. i am at a loss to better describe what i am feeling, as it is more than gratitude and as the literature says more than once, language is often inadequate to express the ideas and feelings behind the words. so i will go with blessed to have people in my life, who remembered my clean date and who chose to reach out and acknowledge it. there was a time in my recovery, where i was lucky if one person did just that and most of the time i had to announce it all over the place, just as some of my peers do still today. i have found a sweet spot and i am pretty sure it is because i am one of those who reaches out to their friends in the program to send congratulations on their clean date anniversaries. i do that, without any expectation of return, but i got to admit, it feels good when i get something back. i am still a sick pup, after all.
watching the debate last night, i almost felt sorry for TFG, as he really could not or would not get off his pack of lies and actually address an issue. the part i felt sorry for, was that he looked clueless about how terrible he was performing and i wonder if in his own mind, he felt he was the hero and not the zero that everyone saw. i know the reason i felt the way i did, as that was mean, not quite so writ large, in active addiction and early recovery. i believed the lies i told, were the truth and even convinced myself that every one was out to get me, even though i may have been the greatest thing since sliced bread. the fact was, i actually saw myself as lower than whale shit and compensated by inflating my ego with lies upon lies, upon lies. so many i lost track of what i told anyone and was often covering my tracks with smoke and mirrors. today, just for today, i do not need to live in that place and i am glad i have the ways and means to support myself, my household and those in my life who depend upon me being here, most importantly myself.

∞ DT ∞