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i maintain my recovery as my top priority -- the foundation on which my life is built --. okay, i could certainly go down the party line on this, as i believe it and do my best to live it. while being a cheerleader and sh!tting a few rainbows and farting a few daisies may be a nice way to start my day, i am not a really nice person and have something a bit different in mind.
the life i am living right now is amazing and i am grateful for it. from day to day, not a whole lot changes and i certainly have quite the routine built in. it is true, that many of those suggestions i heard in those first, heinous days of this journey, are still part of my life today, but from time to time, i wonder if i am just doing them out of some superstitious belief, or are they really the driving force behind the changes that have been manifest from the day i first accepted that recovery was something i wanted to do.
i was a mess in those days, and blind to the fact that it was not the drugs that were the problem. denial was my friend and blame was the game i played, avoiding the realization that there was something not quite right with me, kept me sick and allowed me to settle for a life that contributed very little to my well-being, nor to the world in general. even though i wanted something more, i had come to the place where i accepted that that was as good as it was going to get. nothing changes, if nothing changes and i really was okay with that, even though i had a nagging suspi9cion that here in the rooms, there was something more i could get and that things could change for me. one of the things i am realizing today, is that unless someone wants something more and is willing to do whatever it takes to get that, nothing will change. i GOT quite a gift back in those days, a sponsor who taught me that i HAD no power over addiction and that i had to ask for the power to stay clean, each and every day. i was not a bad guy and i DID deserve something better, but that something better required that i do more than a few things to create a life worth living. ironically, that was the place i got stuck and it still is a stumbling block to this day. oh i may say this and that, and for the most part it is true, my life today is the result of my journey through recovery, but what would have happened if when my legal problems disappeared and i returned to a life where i used. for sure, i would have started using the substance that gave me enough bliss, to accept my life as it was. i would have never finished my education, nor would i have met the woman i want to share the rest of my life with or had the opportunity to be a t a job, where even though it is stressful, i like going to it, on most days. i would have never had the resources to buy a house or two and would have been content to be less than i could be, after all, if i could not be the best, why bother?
of course, that may not have been the shape of that butterfly effect, but when i look at my life today, every now and again i wonder if i am really powerless over my addiction? i know that one newbie addict finds that a disturbing thought, but he has been in and out for longer than i have been around, so perhaps for him it is a disturbing thought. for me, it is part of who i am, a discerning and rational being, who has to pick everything apart, before i can be satisfied that at least i have a clue about how this works. i have the grace today to CONSIDER what if, and need not run from those thoughts, back to a FAITH based on superstition and lack of knowledge. my FAITH is based on something more, and i am seeing that even though i am clueless as to what the POWER that fuels my recovery looks like, IT is there and IT does provide me the ability to have the life i have grown fond of having. yes, i was powerless over the death of out little Lucy and was pissed-off that she was in our lives for such a brief slice of time. yes i am concerned that those i plant the seed in, do not nurture that seed once it is their choice. and yes, i loathe the drama and trauma of the fellowship, its back-stabbing and gossip, but accept that these are the people on whom i MUST rely, no matter how imperfect they may be. more importantly, all that i have today, is the direct result of the admission that i AM powerless over addiction and that unless i want to return to a life where that is my ruling force and motivation THEN i must keep doing the stuff i have done from the very start.
alright so i lied, here comes the rainbow and daisies -- I AM GRATEFUL TODAY, that i have the means to have the life i have, one day at a time. no matter what happens tomorrow, i have today and i do believe i will cling to it as tightly as i need to, because tomorrow may be another day, but tomorrow never comes, all i have is right here and right now, and that is a brief enough slice of time to exert a bit of power over.

∞ DT ∞