Blog entry for:

that recovery was important, my whole life began to change. getting clean, going to meetings and fronting recovery really did not change my life, all that much, save for the first time in my adult life, i had money to spend. mere abstinence was a miserable time for me, but i kept saying that all i had to do is hold on and sooner, rather than later they would kick me loose and i could figure out how to use without it affecting my life and my pocketbook. things did not quite work out that way, and as i sit here, a long minute later, i am grateful for that twist in my history that led me to wanting to be in recovery, rather than just “around” recovery.
yes, i was once a newcomer, who believed he knew it all and when i spoke up, the fellowship was not nearly as gentle or kind as it is today. more than once, i got smacked down and told to STFU! they told me that when i had some actual recovery, i might just know a thing or two, but in the meantime listen, learn and write steps. it is my contention that the fellowship as a whole coddles the FNGs and i am not quite sure why that has become the norm. it is true that most newcomers are seeking an excuse to disqualify themselves from recovery. done that, been there, got the T-shirt. as my experience proves, however, when desperation overpowers denial, the addict will come back and actually be ready to commence their journey into their recovery process. it does not have to take spending a night in a basement apartment, watching a using buddy use the entire sack that i just bought, with a UA less than two days away. that is what it took for this addict and more than likely, because i was such a tough sell, when i converted, i became a zealot and remain one to this day.
i practice goodwill towards those who are new, but i do not alter what and how i share to make anyone more comfortable. if i need to bring in a story from my using days, i do, and fVck them if anyone gets “triggered.” it is my contention that as the literature says “the sooner we face reality,” and the reality is that none of the members that stick around came to recovery because they had one bad night. i have yet to meet anyone in recovery that decided after one of something, they might have a problem. no most of those i have met, went deep down in their addiction and when they tired of what their lives looked like, for one reason or another, came to be a part of a fellowship that provide me a new manner of living to this very day.
so enough of my shouting from on top of my soapbox. i am clean today, and i believe it is my responsibility to maintain the foundation of my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞