Blog entry for:

to recovery is still part of who i am and what i do, every day i CHOOSE to stay clean. there certainly is an advantage to writing this after i walk, namely i get the opportunity to pound an obsession or three into the concrete and move on. i certainly have shared some nasty stuff across the course of my recovery, about myself and others, but to blame me for what everyone else knows, chaps my hide. where i came to today, after nearly 4½ miles of walking in the heat, is that i do not have to carry around someone else's insecurities and fears, i have enough of my own. i get to let go of what someone else thinks, and stop worrying about my less than stellar reputation being sullied. am secure enough in who i am and how i carry myself that i do not NEED outside validation. i certainly DESIRE outside validation, i probably, but that just is. one thing i learned a long time ago, is unless i am extremely circumspect in what i do, my shady behaviors will be seen by everyone in recovery, even if they pretend they do not see them. today, as i live a program, shady behaviors play less of a role in my life and i do not have to lie to myself about what i am doing.
what s it that i do, to honor the decision i made this morning to stay clean? that is an interesting question and the “pat” answer is “i do what i was taught to do, way back when.” i ask for the power to stay clean, i read a bit of the literature, i meditate, i attend meetings on a regular basis, i work steps when the pain gets great enough and i call my sponse when i need the voice of reason in my life. what i learned along the way, is to be awake and present for what is going on in my life and watch how those around me are reacting to my behaviors. most importantly, be present for myself and when i stray into a shady behavior, take the steps b-necessary to stop it before harm is caused. when i pay attention to my feelings, especially shame, i know when i am crossing that line into “shadiness.” when i find that i have to hide, distract, explain or rationalize, then i have certainly crossed that line and i have the spiritual principles to guide me back to where i truly want to be.
today, looking at who i am and what i am feeling, i do not need to explain, defend or rationalize my actions. i have committed no crimes against myself or anyone else, but i have yet to step out and interact with the real world. as i get showered off and move into that world, that may change, but i can always remember that there is a spiritual principle or two i can apply, so i need not use, no matter what.

∞ DT ∞