Blog entry for:

what the rest of my life is built upon. this morning, as i sat and listened to what was going on in my heart, i came back to an issue that has been gnawing at me for a bit of time. one of my peers, who has been **around** the program for quite some time and has once again accumulated several months, makes my **SPIDER** senses tingle, every time i interact with or they share. once upon a time, that sense would mean for me to keep my distance as that person was somehow a danger to my ongoing recovery. over the course of my recovery, i have come to see that as a very flawed interpretation of that feeling and am doing my best to move beyond the judgements of days gone by. this morning, as i look at the peers that have tripped off that sense, across the course of my recovery, i see that each and every time, they were “fronting” something behind the façade of being a “model” of the recovering addict. as an addict with a shit-ton of experience in hiding in a huge steaming pile of spiritual camouflage, perhaps i do need to trust that sense and move along.
coming back a bit closer to what i read this morning, i understand that the life i have today is because i have embraced a manner of living, not despite it. part of that life is a growing trust in what i feel and my intuition about the world around me and my place within that world. my part is to take those feelings of unease i have about some of my peers and put them aside, allowing their current actions to color my judgements, rather than some vague and undefinable “feeling.” i keep my feelings and my judgements to myself, where once i would have spread that shite around to build my self-esteem on the backs of others and their reputations. my continued experience in living the program, provides the means for me to find within myself, all that i need to build my self-esteem. when i drop down into inadequacy, jealousy, envy and pettiness, i know that something else is going on and i need to use what i have been taught, to combat what is going on.
quiet a little diversion into the dank and dusty internal workings of this addict's mind, this morning. what i see it coming down to, is to trust that i “know” what may be happening to me, in the here and now; pay attention to what i feel and be okay knowing that more will certainly be revealed. after all, i did not hang the moon and if i slept in, the sun would still rise.

∞ DT ∞