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that is where i began to put my energy. as a result, my whole life changed. there is a corollary to that statement as well, when i was undecided about my recovery, i spent my energy chasing this and that and my life remained chaotic and without any sort of structure or direction.
there is a part of me, that relished that sort of lifestyle, straddling the criminal using world and the goody two shoes world of being a citizen. the thrill of looking like a citizen, but actually being a criminal was part of the attraction, and when it all came to a screaming halt, betrayed by my body not flushing the end results of my last use, i was more that a little miffed. today, i know that was really one of the best things that ever happened to me, even though it took another eighteen months for me to really embrace my recovery and start to actually do some work, instead of going through the motions. yes today my life, such as it is, was created that fateful day in September 1997, when i using in my windows of opportunity, nearly made me a guest of the state for a few years. and yet, there is a part of me that is envious of my friend and once upon a time sponsee, who turned a two year misdemeanor probation sentence into a decade long journey through the bowels of the justice system. in less than fourteen days, he will walk out of the system as a free man, no obligations to the state, no responsibilities to fulfill, and nothing to show for the last decade of his life. the inventory of what he does not have certainly reads like a litany of my life before recovery, and when the feelings of envy set in, i remember that i too, could have nothing to show for the past ten years of my life.
amazingly, i took the opportunity to make something of myself, back int he day and today looking back i wonder if the POWER that fuels my recovery was introducing Itself back into my life. the chain of coincidences that lead me to where i am today, defy the odds. not the getting caught and prosecuted part, that was inevitable. certainly not being able to stay abstinent while on probation, that was just who i was and a fact of my life in active addiction,. no the part of throwing my plan of using once i got out from under the thumb of the Twelfth Judaical District and the part of being given a fourth strike and the opportunity to actually get better. being who i was, i would have certainly never completed my probation without violating again, had it not been for the titular program of recovery i worked back in the day. more than likely parole would have been a similar chore and more than likely i would have ended up finishing my sentence in the direct care of the state, if i got lucky, just as my friend is doing right now. his plan, was my plan and today it is not my plan anymore. will i stay clean the rest of my life? i do not know nor is that a question i need to answer, EVER! can and will i stay clean today? well that is my intent and i plan on using everything that this program of recovery has given me, to make it so. i know that without a doubt, i am powerless over addiction and that using once, will start that whole journey back into darkness, as there will always be another day tomorrow to get clean again. then i could be one of those, who has been around the program and had recovery but now is a brand new newcomer again, if i am lickey enough to be able to swallow my pride and come back to the rooms.
no today i think i will stay comfortably ensconced in my recovery program and see how much more of the person i have always wanted to be, i can become, after all it bis all about today.

∞ DT ∞