Blog entry for:

the foundation, of my brand new life.
okay, rainbows, unicorns and pink clouds aside, i have done the hard work to get where i am today. those stupid and idiotic suggestions of how to stay clean,beyond the “just do not use, no matter what,” mantra, are still part of my daily routine. all that i have accomplished, all that i have become and all that i will become, is the result of doing the recovery gig, day after day. i accept that fact and am grateful for the opportunities that i am afforded each and every day to grow personally, professionally and spiritually. <cue ominous scary music>
there are times in my recover when i see others who fall off the maintenance path and seem to have all the gifts i work to have manifest in my life. my envy rises to the level of resentment and i wonder why they make it look so easy and i have to keep doing the gig, grinding it out, day after day. what i have discovered is that is an very ancient story that i have been telling myself, since the dawn of my conscious self, namely that i am not smart enough, lucky enough or good enough to live such a seemingly effortless existence.
as part of my growth in this set of steps, what i discovered is what i see happening on the surface of these peers, is not what is actually going on. many of them are bitter, resentful and angry and are doing their best to hold it all together. many of them are in the process of losing those material and physical gifts that recovery has presented. many of them end up using again, because their stubborn pride keeps them from reestablishing the connections to the fellowship that brought them to this place. even more of them drift away into a life where active addiction has manifested in their lives. today i understand that what i see is not what is always happening and for me, it is my job to do what i can to foster my relationship with my recovery and not worry about what others are doing.
easier said than done!
i know i can stay clean with or without a loving partner in my life. i know i can stay clean without money or a home. i know i can stay clean without a job or career. all of those things are gravy, gifts of my diligence and perseverance and i am complete without any or all of them. it pains me to see my peers falling into the traps they have created, because they believe the stories they tell themselves, after all, for me the biggest liar in my life exists between my ears. so when someone who wants to be my friend uses me and disrespects me, i need to let go of the anger and not let it build to a resentment. i have discovered that those who i grow close to, share time with me and i willingly share time with them. if i tell them that i am will do something, i follow through and not make excuses, especially the one that starts with, “well, you know, i am only human and an addict to boot…”
if i want friends, i need to be a friend and not just a ship that passes in the night. i have become more of what i once was not, so i think that regardless of how much effort it takes, i will continue to maintain my recovery and leave the results up to the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞