Blog entry for:

joyous, and free.
most of the time, this is one of those trite, little, throw-away phrases that irk the bejeezus out of me. not that i do NOT want to have the ability to be happy, joyous and free, it is just that i do not want to stop there. being happy, joyous and free is a wonderful place, but far from something on my bucket list. or ,maybe it is on my bucket list, just crossed off, because most days i have at least one third of that state reached -- FREEDOM. if i was a baseball player or a TV weather personality, that would be an excellent average, and i would never have to strive for anything more. a .333 batting average is bonus land. instead of focusing on one little phrase that i have chosen to pull out of context, there is much of this reading that speaks to my heart, namely once i lose self-obsession.
quite honestly, i do not believe there are many humans, who have achieved this state, but that does not deter me from right-sizing my obsession with self. yes, most of the stuff i worry and fret about on a daily basis, is comical, ironic or downright hilarious, when i let go of how it may make me look in the eyes of my peers. since the driving force behind my obsession with self, is how i look in your eyes, embarrassing or humiliating experiences are shoved down the bit bucket as soon as possible and replaced with a story that makes it out to be as if i had planned it that way from the start. i mean seriously the time i forgot my athletic supporter and my running shorts. when i pulled down my sweats, i ended up in my tightie-whities in front of the stands at a track meet. i ran that race in my sweats and when i look back on it, it is funny today, at the time, not so much. by the way, i went on to kill that race, dusting my opponents and turning in one of my personal bests at the 440 yard dash, 50′ 45″ and change. maybe a bit of a humiliation was what i needed and my results certainly shut down my opponents, fVck you all, see what i can do, even in my tightie-whities! my team mates, well that incident lived in infamy until the guy did something stupid and i was out of the hot seat. no one got a picture and i still have plausible deniability.
yes, i can laugh about it today, and as the steps right-size my ego, amazing things happen. conceit, arrogance and being far too serious, drop away. do not get me wrong, as much as i would love to say i was a spiritual guru and always had a properly sized opinion of myself, that is far from the case. what it does mean, is that most of the time, i find the idiotic and obsessive things i do, more than a bit funny and ironically, i share them with my peers, my friends and my acquaintances, instead of plopping them into the bit bucket of obscurity.
it is true, recovery is a serious business. it is also true that taking responsibility for my recovery is no laughing matter. HOWEVER, in the long run, seeing my foibles as funny, sharing with my peers, how they are funny and laughing at myself with others, makes me a better member and is certainly part and parcel of becoming a spiritual guru. it is after all, all about me!

∞ DT ∞