Blog entry for:

i am able to understand what it means to be happy, joyous, and free.
well so far this morning i have been way too serious, and it started after or more likely during my TENTH STEP last night. however, as i move forward this morning, i have decided to let all of that go. my sponsee who was released to the half-way house is struggling to get his a$$ out to the streets so he can start his life over again. my recalcitrant sponsee, seems to feel in dire need to speak to me at two dollars per minute for five minutes. where once i was not good enough to get lead a panel in jail, all of a sudden they want me to do so. and someone i once liked, i feel creeped-out by and took out my distaste on him in person yesterday. so all kinds of sh!t going around inside my head and not a whole lot i can do about it. what i am starting to get, as i sit here and type this out to the internet, is that maybe i want to act all self-entitled and self-obsessed, like i see these guys doing and i DO NOT want to get caught doing so. i mean for me, as i have said before, it is all about HOW I LOOK! today, i look so much better than i did when i thought i was the bomb, and yet to go back to those days, would mean giving up a whole bunch of stuff i am unwilling to return. stuff like self-esteem, a feeling of my place in the world, a clear conscience and a manner of living that is beyond my wildest dreams. you notice the one thing i did not talk about was my abstinence from drugs. i could return to a life of self-obsessed entitlement without ever putting one molecule of a drug in my body. i could return to being a victim of life on life's terms and still keep my clean time. how do i know this? well, i have been there before, and i have seen numerous examples of that in the fellowship i call my home.
where do i go from here? well i see the delicious irony in all of this, me complaining about being jealous of those who can blithely live in self-obsession and self-entitlement, just because i do not want to be seen as self-entitled and self-obsessed. i mean how insane is that? IMHO -- that is nucking futz!
with a smile on my face as i savor the juicy but oh so dark humor of that, i think i will head on into the shower and get over for my third day as a real, permanent full-time employee. whatever that means in this day and age. it is a wonderful day to be clean and laugh at the absurdity of me, myself and i.

∞ DT ∞