Blog entry for:

of humor, especially when i am trapped in self-obsessive entitlement. it is no secret that i have been quite the **punk-assed bitch,** at work in recent days. it is also no secret that i am obsessed about how they did me wrong and just want to be left alone. yes, it is all true, and the worst part of it all, is that i can find very acceptance, or humor about where i happen to be in my life. every single time i think i have discovered the key to accepting my current lot in life, some idiot come at me in an ignorant and superior manner and hammers home the point, that seems to say that in their mind, i am there to serve them. of course that is my perception of them and more than likely not reality. it is true, for the most part, they are unwilling to do their work and when the season ramps up and they are called upon to take care of their clients, they will be sorely ill-prepared. it is also true, that by that time i will have another layer of insulation protecting me from their silly and trivial questions and only valid concerns will seep through. by taking care of my business today and seeing them for what they are, i might be able to inject a bit of humor into my life, and even though it is not spiritual, it will be at their expense. by seeing my over-reaction, and i certainly am, to idiots and lazy slobs, as something that is deliciously ironically humorous, i can move forward to a place and time that will allow me to be okay, just for today.
it is also more than a bit ironic, that when it comes to everything BUT work, i can see my foibles, own them and laugh about my travails through ignorance and idiocy. looking for the loophole, reading between the lines and taking things literally, may have nearly killed me, way back when, but when i look at all those efforts to stay out of recovery, i can only laugh and wonder where i might be today, if only i had put forth a similar effort to learn how to live a program of recovery. honestly, i would probably have relapsed, as my growing dissatisfaction with program, would have taken me out. i am coming to see, i was having every single illusion about who i was and how much i NEEDED a program of recovery, shattered that has given me the freedom i have today. it is because of my denial, not despite it, that i am living a program today. honestly if after nearly twenty years clean, i still had the desire to use, i certainly would consider finding a different direction to my life. i know today it was my strong and comedic resistance to the tenets of recovery, that make me a true believer today, i have already built my case and it was exploded on a single night in New Jersey, many moons ago. i am an addict and on that night, that point was driven homo, with a finality that still echoes today. if one considers how i got myself into that situation and the ridiculous lengths i went to arrive there, i can only laugh at the absurdity of it all. finally i could feel the weight of the boulder, just for today and i was not being repressed, my rights were not being violated and worst of all, i had no one else to blame, i finally had to be accountable to myself for the first time ever. just as those idiots who seem to plague my life, refuse to do, i had to learn how to live without the crutch of blaming the world and everyone else on it, for all of my problems.
it still took me a bit of time, to wake up and smell the recovery coffee, to stretch a cliché, but i was finally on my way and now that i am looking at waking up in a spiritual world, instead of allowing myself to live there by default, i have a new direction to go. stay tuned, as i am sure there will be more than one chuckle to come rolling down the pike!

∞ DT ∞