Blog entry for:

myself that i can stay clean i needed a place where i was understood, at least on some level. i found that place in the fellowship that has been my home, for a few days in a row. one of my peers has often said that an **addict of their description** could never get and stay clean. they are but more to my point, their little catch phrase is kind of disingenuous because they may have had a physical dependence, but they were fed up enough when they got to the rooms, to do whatever it took. i, on the other hand, was still living in the delusional fantasy that i had it “under control,” and all i needed was a “vacation from using, until the external forces, specifically the justice system, were removed from my life. after that, i could return to “the life” i had built for myself, such as it was. addicts that are forced or coerced into any sort of recovery, for any period of time, usually do not stick around, and i was certainly going to be one of those. one of my peers, who got the “nudge from a judge” also stuck it out and is celebrating today:

Kevin ⇉ Sic Boy ⇉ K,
TWO decades of doing this Just For Today!
Congrats my brother, i am glad you stuck it out.

yes, there are a few of us who do come into the rooms through that door, who end up staying. i can speak for no one else, but when it became time to decide whether or not i wanted what i “had,” back again, i took the risk and stayed clean. by that time, i was impressed with the direction my life had taken, was really working the steps with a no nonsense sponsor of the fellowship that had become my home and had grown comfortable with my peers, at least to start the process of breaking down the barriers i erected to keep myself “safe.”
these days, my service commitments are all about carrying the message to those who find themselves stuck in an endless cycle, under the thumb of the very same system that tossed me into recovery. as angry as i once was and as adamant as i may still be about not doing this gig the rest of my life, i am still doing this gig, just for today. i find that these are truly my peeps, and nothing is going to disqualify me from being a part of the fellowship that is my home. yes it is true, others may have a resentment or three towards me. others may hate on me in private and dismiss anything i share, but i am at a place where i do not care all that much. i give away what i got and call out those who trust me when they abandon their service commitments for promises they did not need to make. i may be a crusty old curmudgeon, but i am a clean one, who CHOOSES to live a program of recovery, just for today. with that thought on the top of my head, time to get me and the dawg out for our walking tour of the local environs.

∞ DT ∞