ยต i will listen with my heart ยต
Posted: Mon, Nov 19, 2012 08:56:31 AM
walking the path of recovery, i become more fluent in the language of empathy.this is one of those readings that trouble me every time i read it. i just do not know what to write about, after reading it. i mean seriously empathy? me? WTF? of course i want to be more empathetic, who doesn't? across the course of my recovery, i have become more empathetic. and i am getting more capable of feeling what others feel, after a long run of not caring how the rest of the world felt, so what is the big deal, i can confidently state; “nothing to see here, move along!”
yet something in side, cries out for more, there has to be more here for me. am i truly so cold and callous, that i cannot identify the feelings of empathy inside, or is it that as i grew these feelings back, they have become part of the background noise, that is my emotional journey every day. that exploration may be actually be where i am headed today. what i know for a fact is that the longer i stay and the more diligent i apply the spiritual principles that are this program, the more i do feel and do care. i GET that people hurt. i understand that sometimes they just need a word of encouragement and perhaps a kind and gentle touch. what i struggle with, most of the time, is where does kind and gentle become enabling? i am in this internal battle right now, with what i feel and think about the man i sponsor, who just cannot stay clean. he is about to leave his very sheltered and structured environment, and return to the so-called real world. he is so much like i was when i got here, thinking that doing favors for everyone and spreading my money around, will give me the satisfaction of being able to live in my own skin. after all there is tangible evidence of how “good” i am doing. i wanted to be able to shout out, how much i care and was unable to do so, because in the long run, it was all about looking good, rather than being good. that has faded over time, and even when someone pays me a compliment, such as how much i seem to get what they are going through, i instantly snap back to what do they want mode, and is it beyond the price i am willing to pay? the only saving grace i see, is that although those thoughts may be rolling around in the back of my head, they are no longer my driving force. as i type that last statement, i am beginning to get a glimpse at the question i posed earlier, namely that recovery has brought so much of me back to life, that the background noise of all those emotions and feelings is constant, and very seldom am i capable of stopping, applying a filter and figuring out what it is i am exactly feeling. so once again, i am doing better than i think i am, the program of recovery and the grace of the POWER that fuels that recovery is still sustaining and transforming me. it probably is a good thing that i have work to do, and errands to run and certainly more than one or two things on my plate this morning, as i have certainly started down one of those paths that will lead me to circular logic and the whole chicken and the egg discussion.
yes i am recovering and empathy and becoming empathetic is part of that process. it is another great day to be clean and i am grateful that i have the opportunity to write this and move on, which i think i will do right now.
yet something in side, cries out for more, there has to be more here for me. am i truly so cold and callous, that i cannot identify the feelings of empathy inside, or is it that as i grew these feelings back, they have become part of the background noise, that is my emotional journey every day. that exploration may be actually be where i am headed today. what i know for a fact is that the longer i stay and the more diligent i apply the spiritual principles that are this program, the more i do feel and do care. i GET that people hurt. i understand that sometimes they just need a word of encouragement and perhaps a kind and gentle touch. what i struggle with, most of the time, is where does kind and gentle become enabling? i am in this internal battle right now, with what i feel and think about the man i sponsor, who just cannot stay clean. he is about to leave his very sheltered and structured environment, and return to the so-called real world. he is so much like i was when i got here, thinking that doing favors for everyone and spreading my money around, will give me the satisfaction of being able to live in my own skin. after all there is tangible evidence of how “good” i am doing. i wanted to be able to shout out, how much i care and was unable to do so, because in the long run, it was all about looking good, rather than being good. that has faded over time, and even when someone pays me a compliment, such as how much i seem to get what they are going through, i instantly snap back to what do they want mode, and is it beyond the price i am willing to pay? the only saving grace i see, is that although those thoughts may be rolling around in the back of my head, they are no longer my driving force. as i type that last statement, i am beginning to get a glimpse at the question i posed earlier, namely that recovery has brought so much of me back to life, that the background noise of all those emotions and feelings is constant, and very seldom am i capable of stopping, applying a filter and figuring out what it is i am exactly feeling. so once again, i am doing better than i think i am, the program of recovery and the grace of the POWER that fuels that recovery is still sustaining and transforming me. it probably is a good thing that i have work to do, and errands to run and certainly more than one or two things on my plate this morning, as i have certainly started down one of those paths that will lead me to circular logic and the whole chicken and the egg discussion.
yes i am recovering and empathy and becoming empathetic is part of that process. it is another great day to be clean and i am grateful that i have the opportunity to write this and move on, which i think i will do right now.
∞ DT ∞