Blog entry for:

or that i have not suffered enough. speaking of suffering, yesterday i had to suffer through a text bout with one of the truly still suffering addicts. he wants to run away, but is afraid to pull the trigger. each time he gets the chance he balks, it must really suck living in the twilight world of not having quite enough desire to stay clean.
i remember those days, only it was not a ticket out that i was seeking, it was just the opportunity to get high for a couple of days, once a month. meetings were a drag, but a necessary part of the front i was portraying. the fellowship was a bore, but once again something did to maintain my façade of compliance. so for those seven months of living near the light of recovery, i believed that all my peers were nuts, weak and certainly feeble. their suffering an excuse to get clean, but all manufactured in their heads. after all, relief was always just a does away for me, even to the very bitter ends. speaking of which:

SIC!
15 years clean
Way to go, my friend.

so when after thirteen months of suffering in the wrong fellowship, i finally opened up my mind enough to allow a bit of sunlight in, i started to hear the language that was always being spoken. i finally got,m that everyone in the rooms suffered enough, and had earned their seat in the rooms. i finally began to see that i was not so different after all, and although getting high worked for me even that last day i used, the time had come to do something different and learn the real language of recovery, not just the words i had been reciting by rote for the 20 months proceeding that day. ironic is it not, that i finally added those two numbers together to get the fact that it took twenty months for me to find my place. what a freaking waste of my time, but as i sit here today, suffering the pangs of whether or not i should be praying, i can see that each and every day of those twenty months was needed for me to suffer enough to become a member of the “no matter what” club, just for today. it is however time to get rolling down the road, as someone has to pay my bills, and i cannot depend on a better off friend to do so for me.

∞ DT ∞