Blog entry for:

not sure that this fellowship was for and can find much to criticize, and yet after more than a few days clean, i am still a member. what is it that keeps me coming back? perhaps, it as the reading suggests: that i found everything i needed to stay clean here, even when i have an issue or three with the whole ball of wax. the fact that no matter what i am feeling or going through, there is someone else who has had that experience and can provide a sense of direction, to finding my way through to another day clean. one those peers, who happened to enter the rooms through the same door as i did:the courts:

SIC,
18 years of membership in the 'No Matter What Club'
Congrats my friend. I am glad you kept coming back.

when i started coming around, long before i got clean or decided to be a member, my biases and prejudices about what and who an addict is, kept me apart from those who could help me the most. what i lacked was the desire to stay clean, as i took the whole just for today,” stuff to heart and focused on not using, rather than looking for a way to CHOOSE not use. these days, there is another sort of narrative i want to spin and i can see that those who have gone before fall into the same trap.
i have no doubts that i am an addict and that there is no way for me to use successfully and yet, there is a nagging lie, that maybe, now that i have my act together,. a little bit of this or that, every now and again, may be okay. i know what active addiction did to me and after being in recovery for some time, maybe i am, well not cured, but certainly able to handle getting high, a whole lot better than before. even in those dark days before i got clean, i had my use down to one day in thirty, so i could pass the drug screening, with that sort of “getting away with it,” history, it is easy for me to spin down into the life of using again. after all, look how far i got, before i got caught and if i stay in the “legal” substances, there are fewer consequences.
ah the lies i tell myself to get what i think i want. what i need, today is a fantasy football win, a broncos win and a meeting. what i will get for sure, is a meeting, because i have been less than diligent about that part of my program. i NEED to be reminded of the feelings i had, way back when and what i had to do, to get and stay clean. i need to feel the silent language of empathy, one more time to know that yes, no matter what, i am in the right plcae, just for today.

∞ DT ∞