Some memes

by taking a suggestion that comes from the dawn of the recovery program that has given me this life. in my daily routine, some acclivities and tasks are just what i do, day after day, just for today. i can say that without a doubt, my nearly obsessive dedication to the TENTH STEP, makes an ELEVENTH STEP, after reading about inventories certainly an interesting start to my day. i was not an **early** adopter or a trend setter in making these steps a part of my everyday existence, in fact i resisted as much as possible for the longest time possible, as i could see no benefit to myself and all i could see is the cost to me.
today, as i sat and started to contemplate “the simple inventory” topic, all sorts of stuff bubbled up from the depths. as an adherent of a spiritual path that seeks balance in everything, i find myself looking for that balance in my life. sitting still in the morning and listening to what i feel when i complete my day, may not bring that balance every single day, but it certainly is a path that this addict has come to appreciate. the weirdest part of the whole daily inventory gig for me, was that was where my sponse disappeared and i was too scared to ask my grand-sponsor about how to proceed, so i wrote it out, on paper, night after night, for days, months and yes, even years, on end. after a friend in recovery, died suddenly, all those notebooks with all of those inventories went into the shredder and off to the landfill. i was not going to leave my survivors a legacy of how nuts i was, on a daily basis. all those notebooks, even though they are gone, set up a pattern that persists to this day, as i have yet to find anything more important than pausing at the end of my day, and “feeling” my way through how my day went.
after all of that was dealt with, what came to me this morning in the other nineteen minutes and thirty seconds i sat and listened was a sense of maybe, just maybe, i really am on the right track. i got a sense of my worth and started to see that maybe i am worthy of having a life beyond using and that the angst i feel, is actually growing pains. i also got the sense that i could stop hurting myself at any time, all i had to accept that the feelings i am having are FEAR based and can be defeated by a bit of FAITH. doing nothing and sitting on my hands sucks. i want action and results, now DAMMIT! i am starting to realize that i am getting results and my program need not undergo any tectonic shifts, all i have to do, is allow it to take precedence in my life. on that note i believe i will wrap this up, get rolling on over to my home group and see what this day will bring me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞