Blog entry for:

my attitudes, and my relationships are certainly at least three things i look at, at least on a daily basis. this morning, after watching the traffic build up and the snow fall, i have decided to start my drive to the office after our morning meeting, as the snow fall lessens and the morning traffic wanes. i could have accepted the fact that i need to be in the office this afternoon and just put myself through the pain and suffering of a slippery, slushy and very slow commute in dawn's early light, but chose to wait. i did exaggerate my commute time by five minutes and perhaps i might need to feel a bit of guilt over that, but i really do not and if i chose to, a big juicy rationalization could be inserted right here. <BOOM> just like that. my exaggeration has turned into truth at the time of day i would be leaving to go to the office.
there is one thing that has been weighing on my mind, the fact that i accepted a check from a man i used to sponsor, to help him “keep” from the state to repay what the government thinks it is owed. the reality here is that my friend has barely been employed since i met him and generally been couch-surfing or sleeping under a bridge. of course he lacked the resources to return to court and get his debt reduced, due to his less than stellar circumstances, but that is not my gig. i agreed to help him because i believe he may need just a bit of a hand up to get out of the life he is living and no matter what the outcome of his current issues is, he will need some financial support. i am allowing him to support himself and we will see where it goes.
as i read over my entry for a year ago, i can see that i still have a feeling or two about it. as odd and ironic as it seems to me, i still want to reach out, grab someone by the short hairs and get them to own up for being such an asshole. having that desire and acting on it are two separate things and in this instant, hearkening back to the notion of being forgiving, i need to, for my own sanity, allow myself to feel what i am feeling and release it. there is enough physical activity coming up in my immediate future that i do not have to hold on to whatever “hurt” that may be festering inside and allow myself to heal. my responsibility is to take care of myself and to keep my personal power for me, myself and i.
what do i need to include on my simple inventory today? certainly a bit of an examination of the leftover feelings i am still harboring and a look into why i feel so butt-hurt. part of it is in my surrender to group conscience i felt manipulated and used, when in fact i allowed myself to succumb to that final outcome and walk away. hmm, certainly a bit of food for thought there and as this day rolls on, perhaps something i will need to peek at, once again. that is the nice part of a simple inventory, i can do one anytime, anywhere, whenever i may need to do so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞