Blog entry for:

part of learning how to live an active program of recovery, at least for me, was becoming habituated to doing certain things every single day. meditation, asking for the power to stay clean and looking over my day, are certainly activities suggested by my peers in recovery, writing this little ditty on a daily basis, is also part of my routine on a daily basis, and missing the topic of forgiveness was probably not the healthiest choice for me, as i had a whole lot of forgiving to do, yesterday.
as many off you know, my Dad had hip surgery on Saturday morning, due to a fall he took just before Christmas. i have been over at my parent' nearly every day since early Summer, and took my Dad to urgent care on New Year's Day. the quick take is that i have been chiding my Dad about “giving up” on living and to get his malingering ass out of his bed, oblivious to the fact that he had a broken hip and needed medical attention. the shame i feel is overwhelming, especially when one of my siblings or peers praise me for being a “good son.” part of what i asked for last night, after doing my TENTH STEP was the ability to let go of my shame and forgive myself. i know my siblings are dealing with a whole lot of emotions right now as well, so i also asked for the power to forgive them. i can say with no reservations that it is tough to watch two people who were always there for me, begin their fade into whatever comes next. the feeling i am feeling are at times intense and overwhelming and i have a program of recovery, i have no clue about what my brothers and sisters are doing to deal with watching our parents decline.
not writing yesterday, was not a conscious decision, nor was it for lack of time, i simply forgot. that was probably what i “needed” to do. today, i have to work, see my Dad, get my Espresso. check in on my Mom, get my daily work-out done and go to the grocery store. at the same time, i am working on getting back into my routine of recovery. for me, there are only two paths to follow when i feel this stressed and overwhelmed: rely on what has been given to me from my peers in recovery and walk through it; or run to the nearest purveyor of something to “medicate” these feelings away. what was once my solution, is no longer a choice i want to make, even if it appears to be the “easier and softer” way. today i can live through the feelings of guilt and shame and own what i need to and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take the rest away. jsut for today, i will live in the solution and when this day ends, have something “positive” to add to my inventory, other than i am clean today.

∞ DT ∞