Blog entry for:

i need a hug, is certainly a great reason to go to a meeting. i went to a meeting yesterday, virtually, because it was my home group and because i needed to loving support of my peers. i got that and so much more, i also got a vile bitter share from one of my peers who is still butt-hurt because they did not like the consequences of their self-will. they took the criticism leveled at them personally and as a result lost any of the “prestige” they thought they had acquired. i, myself was not going to share, as i was worried i would tell them what a big baby they were being and that it was time to get down off their high horse and own the fact that they were dressed spiritually in the emperor's new clothes. i chose a more spiritual path and shared about how yesterday was a mixed bag of feelings for me: anger, joy, gratitude, grief and regret, all rolled up in one. the anniversary of my Dad's death and my birthday created a whole lot of emotional tension and listening to a whiny little bitch did not help my attitude, at all. 😭 😭 😭

Ryan B
Congrats on NINE (9) years clean.

Jayme P
Congrats on TWENTY-FOUR(24) years clean.
I am glad you both kept COMIN' BACK!

although i have been in a place where how much i did or appeared to do for my local fellowship was the most important aspect of my service motives, i also did not take my defeats as personal, but i did plot a come back plan. fortunately, when it was time to implement it, i saw that perhaps i was wrong and acting in self-will, governing rather than serving and manipulating group conscience to meet my desires. i learned through many brutal lessons, because i am a stubborn son of a buck, that my opinions are just that opinions and they are not always the best course of action. when there is a chorus of doubters, it was time to get out of my echo chamber and take a honest, cold hard look at what i was trying to put forward. in that light, i often saw that i may not have wrong, but i certainly was not correct, either. it was that grey area that i lived in and once i started to see that, i moved beyond the binary state of my beliefs.
today, i am okay. i have moved beyond what i felt yesterday and as i have heard it said many times before,“i have never seen anyone die from a feeling, but i have seen many die from reacting to a feeling.” just for today, i will feel my feelings and move on, none of them are worthy of killing myself over and i am certainly not ready to shuffle off this mortal coil.

∞ DT ∞