Blog entry for:

stop being an addict after i have been clean awhile. as much as not using has become part of my life, i have a deeper understanding of what being an addict means and after a minute clean, i see that i still need a meeting every week to reconnect with other recovering addicts. it is ironic that the pandemic allowed me to see that perhaps three or four meetings a week were not necessary for me to stay clean, but at least one is necessary for me to stay connected, and for me, connection is what meetings are all about.
it is odd that some who read my nearly daily musings seem to miss the point of what i am trying to say. so to be perfectly clear today, i am an addict. i go to meetings on a regular basis, although not nearly as many as i used to and i go willingly, not out of FEAR of relapse but for the connection i get with those with whom i share my recovery. when i eliminate the need for approval from why i do things and subtract FEAR, that which was once an onerous obligation became a treasured part of my weekly routine and one that i may need to step up a bit, just for my own benefit.
as i “listened” this morning, what i “heard” was not about meeting attendance or connection with my peers. it was all about seeing the world through my experience of being clean for over nine thousand days in a row and how that experience affects the way i see others. i have always been a judgemental son of a gun, that much is true. what has changed over the course of my recovery, is that i have learned to keep those judgements to myself, or share them here, where i do not have to be kind, caring or politically correct by any stretch of the imagination. i do share them when asked and that same experience has coached me into a manner of being honest, without hammering the living shit out of someone. it is true that often, people are willing to hear a truth that is delivered in soft dulcet tones, peppered with softening adverbs and adjectives. diplomacy can be effective. it is also true that once they ask and do not hear what they desire, they ignore what i have said, no matter how kindly i put it, and that saddens and frustrates the living shit out of me. after all, why would someone ask my opinion, if they really did not have any desire to do the implement the advice i have given them. the fact of the matter is, some people just want an echo chamber to amplify their false beliefs and attitudes and do not really want a piercing arrow of truth. i see that in the world around me, every single day, that there are those who would rather believe a BIG lie, than to actually sit down and think for themselves, and that saddens me as well. it is time, however for me to get dressed and j=head on over to Boulder for my weekly home group meeting, grateful that, just for today, i can still think for myself and am willing to listen to some unpleasant truths about who i am.

∞ DT ∞