Blog entry for:

what i want to discard, after sorting through the events of the day, is part of the quiet time i spend in meditation as i do my daily inventory. nothing earth shattering or astounding usually surfaces, but the exercise in and of itself, keeps me in touch with my inner spiritual self and the POWER that fuels my recovery. one thing i know for sure, after many days of considering my life, is i want more from my closest relationships than a chat about the weather. of course when things get personal, some uncomfortable realizations are bound to happen and no matter how locked down and closed off someone seems to be, perhaps that just cannot stand the idea of actually being vulnerable and intimate with those in their life. i know for a fact, that was how i was and certainly can be. it is a behavior i learned at the foot of a master and one i took to an extreme in my days of “whines and noses.” learning to be honest with who i am and how i interact with the world around me, is one of the many skills i “get” to exercise on a daily basis and today i am excused from attending the object of my frustration and grateful that it is my day “off.”
today, as i step into the world, a bit later than normal, what i am “hearing” is that perhaps i deserve to give myself a break, even if i find tolerating some of the people in my life, much less accepting the manner in which they behave. i have to accept that at least i have not run from that challenge, so there is some growth on my part. watching someone live in a world of denial, justification and self-imposed prisons is hard because that is where i came from, all those just for todays ago. i remember being so emotionally shut-down that i was afraid to allow anyone to see past my carefully crafted façade, because i believed the lie that i was broken and hide my “true” self. i remember sitting alone in my room, using my brains out with only a TV and a computer for company and feeling that was exactly where i needed to be. i remember eating generic macaroni and cheese dinners, because they were only nineteen cents each and then i had more resources to consume what i really wanted to do. i remember cadging others for the emotional and financial support i thought i needed when things got tough. most of all, i remember feeling no guilt or shame over any of those behaviors, i accepted them as who i was and who i would be until i finally shuffled off this mortal coil. i am grateful that all change through a chain of “unfortunate” events led me to this life of recovery, a life worth living, just for today.

∞ DT ∞