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can decide if they are powerless over their addiction. i can carry the message, but i cannot carry the addict. as much as i would like to!
however i do not believe that the reading was speaking to me about my friends and family this morning, what i heard was the highly personal decision that i made and still make about membership in the fellowship that has presented me with a new manner of living. i was one of those who was coerced into attending meetings by forces that i allowed to take over my life. well coerced is putting it kindly, however i am also one of those members who have stuck around and choose to remain a member from the time i finally made the decision to become a member. even though i did not use during those first thirteen months, i was not really a member until i left the fellowship in which i found myself. i am one of those who have never found it necessary to return to active addiction yet. i say that not to brag or get kudos of any sort, i say that to remind myself that as a member, i have found a new way to live that was beyond my wildest dreams.
so here i sit today nine years and change after becoming a member of this fellowship, wondering how much further i would have come if i had only ignored the lies that i was told ten years ago and joined the fellowship in which i choose to recover today. honestly, i now believe that i did what i needed to do, and had i made a different decision i probably would still be where i am today. after all, any method that kept me from using, broke down the walls of isolation and my denial had a positive outcome on my life. i also realize that had i stayed where i was, i would have used as soon as the outside forces that were forcing me into meetings were removed. the justice system carried me into the rooms, but was hardly the force that could keep me there.
so what keeps me here today? well for one, i am quite content getting what i have been getting since i made the decision to recover for myself and not for the judge, my probation officer, my friends(the few i had left) and my family. the gifts of being a member are beyond counting, and i gratefully accept that, if want to continue to receive them, then i have i have to take responsibility for keeping my membership in good standing. so i am a member today, and i will do what i need to do toady, for myself and let the rest of the world take care of itself. it is after all, all i can do.

∞ DT ∞