Blog entry for:

for membership in the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living and for the first eighteen months of my clean time, i did NOT fulfill it. ah, but that long sad saga of denial and obstinacy has been told and retold so many times, in this space that i all i need to do is acknowledge it and move along. as much as i would dearly love to claim some moral high ground here, by stating the fact that i was one of those who was “coerced” into attending meetings, the fact is, i only attended meetings to keep myself from being further entangled in the legal system. it was never my intent to find a “new way to live,” nor do this gig the rest of my life, just for today.
this morning, as i attempted to wake up and face the world, i “heard” a bit of gratitude for the fact that no matter how hard i resisted, i was assimilated. living the lie of those first few years of my recovery journey, because yes once i became a member by having the desire to stay clean, i still did not want to claim my membership, as it did not fit my plans, my dreams, my hopes and my aspirations. in fact if someone back then, would have given me a glimpse of what i have become today, i most certainly would have bolted for the hills and never looked back. my life, in both the real world and in recovery, is nothing i would have ever wanted, back in those days, as now i have commitments, responsibilities, knowledge of who and what i am and a desire to be something more.
i often feel envy at those who waltz in and out of the rooms, and spend their lives between couch surfing and the local county jail. as perverse as it sounds, there is a certain simplicity to the life of finding the “ways and means.” i know that is romanticizing a lifestyle that i would quickly tire of, as i like having my own roof over my head, taking daily showers and as insane as it may sound, someplace to go and perform a task for money, on a daily basis. the life i have today, is nothing like the life i came in with, and it is because of membership, despite my resistance, that i have it today. ii GET to live a life that is so similar to the other 85% that i can pass for one of them. one may see that as living a lie, but i do not. if what they see, makes them conclude that i am one of them, so be it. i know i will never cross into actually being one of them., as i have come to believe that i am an addict and that will never change. it is the fact of life, that drives me to be better than i was yesterday and is getting me to the place where perhaps, it is time to write all about the powerlessness i feel in my daily life, beyond the base facts.
HMMMM, 🤭. on that thought i think i will hit the dusty road and see what i can accomplish today. it is after all a good day to be clean and nyes i am grateful for a manner of living that does not leave mu relying on the couches of others.

∞ DT ∞