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to stay a member, after a minute clean, is something i get to consider, each and every day. when one such as me, uses the same material over and over again, to seed an exercise like this one, there is often a recycling of ideas. peeking over my history here, there are two themes that have played out on this date, time and again: my coerced meeting attendance and the gap between my clean date and the date i made the decision to become a member. my understanding of how those notions affected me, way back when and the role they play in my recovery today, really has not changed, so i will leave them by the roadside as i dive into what i “heard” this morning.
many of my peers have left the fellowship for parts unknown. i can see that it would be easy for me to follow a similar path and maybe continue to have the life i have today. i have a program that i live, just for today and i am quite certain that the actions i take on a daily basis, give me that ability to seek and find the power to stay clean. i know that i am an addict and i know that i have to be active in a program of recovery, but does that mean i have to remain a member of the fellowship that has given me this manner of living? do i owe that fellowship and my peers anything? if the pandemic has taught me anything, it is that my recovery is not dependent on the number of meetings i attend, but rather the quality of those meetings. where once quantity was an overarching concern, for example: a meeting a day for ninety days, i am finding that with fewer meetings in my weekly schedule, i have to make a greater effort to be present and actually “hear” what my peers are trying to tell me.
to answer the two rhetorical questions above, yes, for me anyhow, remaining a member is necessary to keep what i have been given, as it is the only way i can give it away. to the second, well that is a bit more tricky. i do “owe” the fellowship more than a grudging acknowledgement of its place in my life. showing up at more meetings would certainly be one manner of repaying that debt and maybe it is something i should consider, after all, three meetings a week used to be no big deal. the pandemic may have altered how i spend my evenings and staying home with the woman i love is not a bad thing, as our lives grow closer as a result. one thin g i am certainly grateful for is that fact that my membership is not contingent of how many meetings i may or may not attend. it is based solely on the idea that i have the desire to stay clean, just for today. today, that is certainly the case and as i head out for a quick workout, i know that my lack of trust in my less than sincere peer, was misplaced and will need to be remedied, by altering the lens i perceive them through. they may have actually done the next right thing and i can project all sorts of garbage on why they took as long as they did, to arrive at a simple and elegant solution.

∞ DT ∞