Blog entry for:

to stop using, as i have shared many, many, many times in the past does not coincide with my clean date. i saw myself as a **victim** of the justice system and could not find any reason for **getting clean,** save for complying with the requirements foisted upon me by that system. it is true i showed up, went through the motions and learned how suppress my rage at being there, but in my heart, life in recovery was never, ever going to happen. i know many of my peers cringe when i recount that particular fact of my recovery journey, but that is the one part of the message i carry to those who are brand new at being clean ↝ IF someone such as myself can find long term recovery through the “coercion” door, than they too, can find a path to living clean. that fact of my life drives my service efforts and created the recovering addict that is present today. it would be nice to say that i was a “one and done” kind of guy. i did not stay clean after my first meeting and if my body and hubris had not betrayed me i would not have stayed clean after that fateful day and night of my last use. pure stubborn obstinate kept me clean in those months leading up to me having the desire to stay clean and sharing about how much i wanted to use and how i was going to use, was not part of the image i wished to project. i was a fraud and readily admit that i am glad i did not need to “own” that fact for quite some time.
yes, things changed and even though i have an ironclad case against the whole recovery process waiting in the wings, i CHOOSE to allow myself the FREEDOM to recover today. i know at least one of my peers believe that is evidence of a reservation and they may be correct. i see it as a clear and simple choice ⇛ recovery or active addiction. i lingered in the twilight for far too long between those alternatives and it sucked. wanting to use, while pretending i had the desire not to, is a very tough act to keep up. today, just for today i CHOOSE recovery and that means that i do all that i can to live my life in active recovery and not just “slide by.” i cannot speak for my peers, but for me, my recovery starts when i wake up and greet the day. perhaps it was all those months of planning, plotting and designing my next use that drives me today. i am clueless about what is at the core of my desire to stay clean and really i do not c are. i could throw in a few bumper stickers here or maybe a cliché or three about how my worst day clean compares to all the days i used or wanted to use, but i hardly see the point. the fact of my life today is that i am grateful to be FREED from active addiction. i am grateful for learning how to accept who i am and realize feelings are not things that require alteration. why i am an addict is no longer a question i ask of myself nor the POWER that fuels my recovery, it is just one of those things that simply are.
on this the first of my three day weekends this month, i do believe i will wrap this up, put on the layers and layers of high tech clothing and go for a walk of several miles as i also have the desire to be more fit than i once was and realize that the gift i have, just lasts until i go to sleep tonight.

∞ DT ∞