Blog entry for:

do NOT always find their way to the rooms. even more sad, are those who have tasted recovery, received bits and pieces of their lives back, and still cannot find their way back.
the assumption that i often make, that is more than likely flawed on many levels is that those who walk away from the program, after some clean time are suffering the slings and arrows of active addiction. it could very well be, that they were not addicts in the first place and that they can use like the other 85%. the important part, is that while they were in the rooms, they were my peers and members of the fellowship, when they choose to be. i really like that idea. yes that thought brings me pleasurable feelings, so i like it, to be more precise. the fact is, i was one of those who were coerced to be at meetings and go through the motions, to solve an outside issue. i see very few members in that same class, after the sword has been lifted, but those with whom i share that legacy and long term clean time, seem to be very committed to living this program, no matter what. unlike those who walked into the rooms, because they lost everything and were desperate, i GOT to resist, disqualify myself and dismiss the benefits of what the rooms had to offer. in the long run, well you know the story. i am still here. i am still a member. and i still have the desire to stay clean, no matter what. i understand that i am living in an abnormal state, but the benefits of doing so, outweigh the benefits of returning to that just one more lifestyle, that i escaped from just a few days ago. i AM one of those, who can benefit from a program of recovery, to maintain a lifestyle that i never believed was possible.
i have a friend, who has been in and out of both the rooms and incarceration for the past decade or so. as he finally finishes the stint that may release him from legal bondage, all he can look forward to is getting out having a drink and smoking some legal pot. when i think about that, it looks like it would be a great idea for me as well, after all, a little bit of this or that, should not hurt anything, as long as i do not start committing felonies, right? maybe, just maybe, i am a member of the other 85% and that quarter of a century of uncontrolled drug use, and the mess it made of my life, was an aberration and not what i have to look forward to, if i just…
for me, that is the core of the lie, i want to believe so desperately. i want to ignore what i became, what i was in the end, and how empty and spiritually destitute my life was when i was forced into recovery. just as those who cycle in and out of the rooms, cling to the false belief that they still have recovery, because some kind soul told them that all they needed to change was their clean date, so i look at the end, and seem to paint a much rosier picture than reality would seem to dictate. the honest truth is that my life sucked and i was too deluded by myself to see that. i wanted to believe it was all good, and i did not have a living problem, when the truth was, i was consumed by my need to get high, for whatever reason. so today, i am a member, i am proud to be a member and i will do whatever it takes to stay a member of the fellowship that saved my life as well as the “no matter what” club.
the time has come, to pack this up,m ship it off and head on over to work, because i am a member i GET to have a life today.

∞ DT ∞