Blog entry for:

grateful for my decision to become a member, but it was not always like that. ah yes, here is where i launch into my long and oft-repeated story about how i finally came to be a member. today, i think it will suffice to say that there is 7 months between my first meeting and my clean date, and eighteen months between my clean date and when i finally became a member of any fellowship. the process through denial ⇒ coerced attendance ⇒ disqualifying myself ⇒ self-reliance ⇒ acceptance, was a arduous process and one that i HAD to go through, to get to where i am at today. each step was a vital link to arriving at the place where maybe, just maybe, i just might be an addict and i possibly might have the desire to stop using. and as the advertisement goes, membership has its rewards!
here is where i would start a list of all the things i have GOT since i became a member and finish up with a little bit of rainbow and daisy share about the gratitude for all the good things that have come out of my membership. yes i could do that, but one can hear that at any meeting worldwide, and i sort of have too much pride to just drop a bit of sunshine and be like my many of my peers. quite honestly one of those rewards i find as a quite the double-edged sword is the return of my full range of human emotions and feelings. if i did not feel and care about others, i would have handled the past 96 hours a whole lot better. i would have shrugged off those last desperate acts of my friend and sponsee as just the cost of doing bidness, and went along my merry way. well now that i consider it, more than likely. he would not have been my friend to start with, one thing about membership, is that it has opened my eyes to a world of people that i once ignored and pretended did not exist. my world was very teeny-tiny back in the day and membership has expanded it exponentially as cliché as that sounds. the fact is, until i became a member i really wanted nothing to do with those i considered my inferiors and in those days, it was almost everyone. becoming right-sized was part of my journey and these days, anyone who comes into the rooms, are my peers in recovery and more than worthy of my attention, my concern and yes, my time. becoming a member meant that i NEEDED to work steps, go to meetings, serve my fellowship and find a place in the middle of the boat.
so why am i feeling grateful today? because when i reached out and shared my pain, my peers were here to share my burden and to allow me to feel and not fill my world with platitudes that were meant to change the way i felt. others may have told me about better places, mysterious ways and plans beyond my ken, but my peers shared my pain and allowed me to be human and feel my pain. today i am a member and i can share my pain and my joy with my peers. more importantly they can do the same. quid pro quo, although i do not feel obligated to so so, it is just an action i desire to perform.
anyhow time to roll on over into my day. it is a good day to be a clean and to be a member of a fellowship that truly cares about me.

∞ DT ∞