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is not part of who i am today and i do not even begin to claim that understand what it might mean to be part of the **still suffering.** what i DO know is that i am willing to do whatever it takes to maintain that status, even while i admit that i am powerless over my addiction and most of everything else in my life. one of the toughest tasks i have had to do, across the course of my recovery, is to tell a “still suffering” addict that i may not be the best sponsor in the world for him. each and every time i reach that point of indecision, i have to ask myself whether i am attempting to “rescue” them or am i actually guiding them towards discovering the solution for themselves. in each instance i came to the conclusion that i was the one doing the work and that if i had the desire to see them succeed, i needed to step away and allow them the creative freedom to find what they needed to find, to move forward.
the last one was the most difficult and seemed to be be the most heartless and cruel thing i ever have done. i have been that addict's sole support system for nearly a decade as he traversed his way through the justice system and it attendant consequences. the sad part for him anyhow, is that instead of treating me as a trusted confidant and friend, when he had his bout of freedom on the streets, he chose to go his own way. waiting until his ass was in a sling to “come to Jesus” as it were, was an indication of how little respect he had for himself. now i am trying to walk the path of allowing him to repair our friendship, which i certainly think is possible, even though he is basically blaming God for his situation, deflecting the fact that God was not the one that chose to ignore the constraints my former sponsee had on his manner of living.
for me, i can deal with the regret and the pain of betrayal, as it always comes down to: “what did i expect, after all, he is an addict🙻” for this addict, the lesson i walk away with is that i need to respect myself and make sure i treat those with whom i share my life, with the same amount of caring respect. i need to remember that they choose to be a part of my life and IF i take them for granted they can choose to leave my life as well. i also need to be aware of the fact that i may not need to be carried, but i certainly require a bit of support. as i get ready to wimp out and wok out at the Rec Center, i know that it is up to me and no one else, how i live my life and whether or not i choose to suffer in silence, carrying my martyrdom like some sort of red badge of courage. today, i choose not to suffer and to be okay with allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the opportunity for me to get all that i need.

∞ DT ∞