ยน my choice to become a member was made in my heart ยน
Posted: Thu, Dec 13, 2012 10:18:33 AM
sometimes even in the long run, coerced meeting attendance does keep one in the rooms. at least that was and is my story. before i get really rolling a bit of ma whine, this is one of those days where i should have gotten out of bed an hour earlier. the power outage on the south end of town yesterday, created a situation where i ended up going in to fix stuff, all because i did not take the time to take care of stuff yesterday afternoon. as a result, i am humping to get everything i have planned for today, routine or not done. ironically, as much of a bummer as it seemed at the time, i am okay with the way thing are going. just because i have to work a bit more efficiently, does not mean that i need to run away, or even whine any more, it is what it is, and i am ready to move on and see what i can and will get done.
so back to my original theme, membership and my personal journey from a person who did not even have a drug problem, to a fully-participating member. when i look back, i see a man , who was great at rationalizing away his pain, and shifting the blame for that pain, away from everything but himself. denial is what that is called and man was i professional denier back in the day. a little bit of spin and a quick dip into chemical bliss, and everything was not only okay and fine, but excellent. life was good, as long as i had my better living through chemistry and i was certain that was how things were going to be for me, on this side of the lawn. events, however conspired against that far too simplistic life view, and here i am, many days later, writing about becoming a member in what i deridingly called a “freak show.”
yes i am one of the freaks, i railed against way back then, and proud to be one! the life i have today, is one that i could have never accepted when i walked into the rooms. i did not want a mortgage, a car, relationships, friends, a college degree and a career, all i wanted was to be left alone and make enough dough, to get what i needed to get every day. all that other stuff was for squares, i was far too cool to desire any of that. what i have uncovered ever since, is that i ALWAYS wanted that, but using was more important and took away my desire to be anything that i am today. it was all about me, and the rest of the world could get FVCKED!
i am glad, that in those first 180 days, i grudgingly accepted that maybe, just maybe, this recovery gig could work for me, and to put forth some effort to become one of the crew. by the time the obsession to use, was lifted from me, i has finally ready to decide to become a member. that decision took almost another six months, but what i GOT and what i GET from membership, is naan oral tradition, rich in the suggestion is need to live comfortably in my own skin, in a seemingly cold and hostile world. as i stick around, my skin fits of so much better and i am reaching a point where i wonder what took me so long to pitch the pain and misery, i had chained myself to.
so when i see a FNG or even start to work with them, i am grateful that i really do have something to give back to the fellowship that lifted me from the pain of being an ordinary using addict, into a place of becoming a member of an extraordinary way of living. the mundane, is now all i want most days, as mundane, today is far different from mundane of the end days of my active addiction,. it means working, loving, living and being present in the here and now, because when you think about it, that is all i have.
so off to the next task today, i really do need to get cracking, so this day can be as filled with the gifts of recovery, as yesterday was. it is a good day to be clean and yes be a member of a fellowship that has opened my horizons beyond my wildest dreams.
so back to my original theme, membership and my personal journey from a person who did not even have a drug problem, to a fully-participating member. when i look back, i see a man , who was great at rationalizing away his pain, and shifting the blame for that pain, away from everything but himself. denial is what that is called and man was i professional denier back in the day. a little bit of spin and a quick dip into chemical bliss, and everything was not only okay and fine, but excellent. life was good, as long as i had my better living through chemistry and i was certain that was how things were going to be for me, on this side of the lawn. events, however conspired against that far too simplistic life view, and here i am, many days later, writing about becoming a member in what i deridingly called a “freak show.”
yes i am one of the freaks, i railed against way back then, and proud to be one! the life i have today, is one that i could have never accepted when i walked into the rooms. i did not want a mortgage, a car, relationships, friends, a college degree and a career, all i wanted was to be left alone and make enough dough, to get what i needed to get every day. all that other stuff was for squares, i was far too cool to desire any of that. what i have uncovered ever since, is that i ALWAYS wanted that, but using was more important and took away my desire to be anything that i am today. it was all about me, and the rest of the world could get FVCKED!
i am glad, that in those first 180 days, i grudgingly accepted that maybe, just maybe, this recovery gig could work for me, and to put forth some effort to become one of the crew. by the time the obsession to use, was lifted from me, i has finally ready to decide to become a member. that decision took almost another six months, but what i GOT and what i GET from membership, is naan oral tradition, rich in the suggestion is need to live comfortably in my own skin, in a seemingly cold and hostile world. as i stick around, my skin fits of so much better and i am reaching a point where i wonder what took me so long to pitch the pain and misery, i had chained myself to.
so when i see a FNG or even start to work with them, i am grateful that i really do have something to give back to the fellowship that lifted me from the pain of being an ordinary using addict, into a place of becoming a member of an extraordinary way of living. the mundane, is now all i want most days, as mundane, today is far different from mundane of the end days of my active addiction,. it means working, loving, living and being present in the here and now, because when you think about it, that is all i have.
so off to the next task today, i really do need to get cracking, so this day can be as filled with the gifts of recovery, as yesterday was. it is a good day to be clean and yes be a member of a fellowship that has opened my horizons beyond my wildest dreams.
∞ DT ∞