Blog entry for:

... from realizing my full potential, limitations that impeded my attempts to find the values that lie at the core of my being. i did come to the program with limitations that i had imposed upon myself. however, as time progresses, and as i continue my journey up the path of recovery, the tense of that particular statement needs to change. from present to some sort of past tense, and since i am hardly an english major, i could not begin to tell you what tense i have changed it to. not that any of that really matters. what matters, to me this morning anyhow, is how i am exploding the limitations i put upon myself, and one of those limitations is that i am unready and unwilling to make amends to the people on my current ninth step list.
moving on, that really is a self-imposed limitation, and why i am balking at one of the most loving actions i can take for myself, is beyond me at this time. well, not really, it has become clearer to me, ever since i first shared about this with a sponsee and at a meeting on tuesday evening. the problem is, if i make this amends, and if i forgive myself for the damage that i have done to the recipient of this amend, i might just get better, and further my journey towards the man i am becoming. as i progress on that journey, everything that i think i know about myself will change. and that change will start a process of uncovering what i already should know and believe about myself, and mean still more on my3elf and the cycle continues. of course, that is that last thing that the part of me i call my disease wants me to do. that part of me is quite happy being frustrated against the self-imposed limitations, after all, if i am frustrated long enough, i will seek a different answer and chance are that answer will not be along the path of recovery. the continuing battle between competing interests is once again revealed, and as always i am center stage, as mush as i would like to believe t hat i am watching it play out waiting for the victor to emerge, so i can go with the winner.
anyhow, now that the field of battle and what is at stake is clear to me, it is time to make a decision, and move forward, it will be where i decide to go that will determine the outcome of this battle and i am not allowed to be a passive participant in this any longer. so on that cheery note, it is off to the showers and into the real world, with this thought to chew on -- exactly what do i want from my life today and what do i need to get it?

∞ DT ∞