Blog entry for:

another day clean and after the past twenty four hours perhaps one less friend. i went beyond a self-imposed limit and stood up to a very close friend. alas, i am still discovering how to stand-up for myself and i not only disagreed but was disagreeable. the limitation of not speaking my mind to my friends and those i respect comes from a bunch of character defects and various limitations on who i believe that i am, that i set for myself in very early recovery. i came into recovery as a very independent, opinionated, and aggressive sort. somewhere in my first year i decided that i needed to change everything and among the things i needed to change instantly was to become agreeable to whatever i was told and not think for myself.
over time this self-imposed limitation has come back to haunt me in many ways. the first was i became intimidated by anyone who i considered had extensive recovery and for me throughout those early days the more years they had the more recovery they had. since they had done all those years whatever they would tell me had to be for my own good, regardless of what i thought. luckily the fear i had of interacting with people with years of abstinence kept me from getting too messed-up. after a few more years of trying to do this recovery gig, i realized what i was doing. i was denying myself the freedom to think and express my thoughts. being a rebellious type, the journey to true assertiveness often misses the mark and once again i act-out my rage in an ugly aggressive and hurtful manner. will i go back to being a non-thinking zombie? not on your life. will i take steps to bring my aggressive, hurtful ways under control? yes.
do i owe a very public and very heartfelt amends to someone who i care about? without a doubt. today i know that amends is more than saying i am sorry and when i am presented the chance to clean-up my side of the street with my friend LINDA, i will do whatever it takes to repair the damage i have done, for i truly value her input and presence in my life.
∞ DT ∞