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so here i sit miles from home, under a cloudy morning sky, enjoying the nearly overpowering smell of sulfur, considering how i can break free from the limitations i place upon myself. the weather report calls for storms and heat, and my internal weather report calls for a day free from the stress of doping anything. no plans, no expectations, and most importantly a day free from placing any expectations on myself or others. will my phone ring? maybe. will i answer it? yes, of course, but i know the minute i hang up the phone i have the ability and i will exercise the ability to let go of whatever came flying through the ether at me.
what i am feeling this morning is relief from the burden of carrying expectations. YES, there was a consequence for acting out in self will yesterday, i am not beating myself up about it. yes going 80 in a 65 mile per hour speed zone is against the law. yes i have got away with it on that stretch of road several times in the past. so the ticket i got yesterday, will be dealt with, next week, i will have a little less money, BUT i accept that when i speed there is ALWAYS the possibility that i will get caught, so it goes…
what i am also feeling this morning, as i look across the parking lot at the forested hill in the background is a sense of something inside has shifted, at least in the here and now. i am no longer afraid of being who i am. yes it is true that i changed my name on FaceBook to help slow the discovery of who i am by my recruiters as well as those with whom i will soon be working. what i see this morning is that is so active addict behavior for me. when i was using, i worked hard to build great, impassable walls between the various facets of my life. i was more than a little successful at it, however the effort and my limited success, created a fractured person that had no clue and no one who had a clue about who he was. i am finally becoming whole and genuine, and the results of that transformation are beginning to show up in all sorts of places. yes i know that removing a FaceBook badge from my web site and changing my name will not keep my personal and professional lives separate, but it does but a bit a gulf between them, and that is comforting to this addict today.
the limitations i am struggling with, all have to do with this new full-time gig that is coming my way. will i be good enough, do i have the skills, how long until they discover i am a fraud and let me go? those doubts are a symptom of me believing a lie i have told myself from youth, that no matter how good i am, no matter how ell i fit somewhere, i am always inadequate. well today, i see that lie for what it is, a limitation that i impose upon myself. today, i will not live up to that expectation. yes i will do a few things to sharpen my skills once i get back to the other side of the hill. yes, i will be nervous going forward. BUT I WILL PERSEVERE and i have FAITH that i was put exactly where i was supposed to be.
so i guess with that being said it is time to hit the tubs, or maybe the restaurant or maybe just read, i have a partner in crime with me and it is time to see what we want to do.

∞ DT ∞